This desperate cry for help reminds us how hard it is to run a home-based business when your spouse is not supportive and the children don't behave. In a perfect world, your spouse goes out of the way to help you succeed, and your children are little angels, asking for assistance only in emergencies. In reality, husbands and wives may sabotage a business, and kids can act out -- whether it's convenient or not. Here's a business owner who's near the end of her rope:

"I run my hairdressing business out of the basement of my home. I have three children under 10. The problem is, my marriage is on the rocks -- and my husband has no qualms about starting fights in front of clients. He doesn't watch the children the way he is supposed to, and they run in and out of the salon. I have lost clients both because of my husband's temper and my children, who often cry for this or that and fight with one another. I can't afford a babysitter or to work outside the home. And I can't afford to lose any more clients -- especially since I might be getting divorced soon. What can I do?"

Right now, this situation may feel hopeless. But you have a few options that might not have occurred to you.

CEASE FIRE. First, most couples headed for divorce are locked in an irresolvable power struggle. You and your husband have made your business one of the battlefields. But it takes two to fight. And since he probably can't or won't stop the provocation, you will have to. When he throws you the bait, learn not to catch it. When he steps into your salon and "starts a fight" in front of clients, summon enormous self-control and say as calmly as possible, "I'm working now. We'll discuss that later when I'm not at work." He'll test you for some time. But, eventually, if he doesn't get a reaction from you, he'll probably stop trying to provoke you at work. It will cease to be satisfying for him if you appear to be in control.

Second, look at your husband's refusal to take care of the children. Have you heard this definition of insanity? "When you keep doing the same thing over and over, and expect different results." Clearly, you can't count on your spouse to be a reliable babysitter. Any expectations based on a fantasy about what a husband should do will only set you up for disappointment. You need another babysitter.

You say you can't afford to one. Then you say this chaotic situation is chasing away clients. Well, you can't afford not to hire a babysitter! Don't just look at the outgoing cash flow. Also consider the lost income. Your kids are undoubtedly traumatized by your husband's temper and by the hostility between the two of you. They will act out and be more needy at this time. Once the home environment calms down, they may do better unsupervised. For now, though, don't expect that from the kids: They need a stable influence to help them cope with unstable times.

If you're going to divorce your husband, you'll need a babysitter, anyway. So see if you can trade babysitting services with another mom on certain days of the week. Or can you barter your services for a sitter? Can you find a low-cost high school or college student? What about an after-school program? Would a neighbor watch the kids a few days a week? Batch your clients' appointments to only a few days of the week, so that you don't need babysitting every day. When you decide that you must have decent child care, a solution often presents itself.

Last -- if you can still have a rational conversation with your husband -- point out that this inability to bring income into the household harms him financially as well. (Or is your growing independence at the root of his anger? That could explain his sabotaging behavior.) Don't appeal to his sense of fairness or compassion. Instead, find out what makes him tick. He might have his own reasons for wanting you to succeed.

Even in the darkest circumstances, successful businesses emerge and survive. Rely on friends, family, neighbors, and your religious community to assist you. Your husband doesn't have to have complete power.

Have a question on how to handle the pressures of running a business and the impact on your personal life, marriage, and family? Contact Azriela Jaffe at AZ@azriela.com. Please put "BW Online question" in the subject field. Your real name will be kept confidential if you request, but please give an E-mail address, phone number, and your hometown so she can contact you for more information. Because of heavy volume, Azriela cannot guarantee that she will answer every query.

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