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JULY 12, 2000

WORK & FAMILY
By Jill Hamburg Coplan

When Only One Partner is a Parent
How to confront a co-owner who saddles you with extra work to spend more time taking care of the kids


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The co-owner of my company and I have an excellent friendship and a sound partnership agreement -- which stipulates that our pay corresponds to the hours we put in. This makes sense since she has a large family, while I'm single and work more. The problem arises when we're facing a stressful deadline or tiring travel. A certain fraction of the time, she's unavailable due to family crises. While her emergencies are genuine and I'm sympathetic, it doesn't feel fair.

--K.A., New York City
Solving problems together is the heart of a partnership, and when you do it successfully, your business grows stronger. This problem is a sensitive one, but you can probably surmount it using good communication, and some focused time and energy.

Don't think of it as crisis management -- take the time to hammer out a policy that can see you through the next few years. "Communication is the most important thing," says Scott Friedman, a lawyer and consultant, and the author most recently of The Successful Family Business (Dearborn). "Once they take the time to communicate the issues, they can develop a set of policies they should apply consistently," he says.

Be straightforward in airing your complaint. "It sounds like the one with the family needs is more outspoken and you're more reserved," Friedman says. "If you're the quieter one, make sure you have ample airtime for your views."

BODY LANGUAGE. So don't just mention this casually over coffee. Meet formally, one-on-one, to discuss this (and other procedural matters) on at least a monthly basis. "Schedule periodic conversations to avoid allowing the tension to build," says Susan Friemark, director of career development and management for the Mandel School of Applied Social Sciences and the Mandel Center for Nonprofit Organizations at Case Western Reserve University. It probably won't be resolved in a single day, so shelve it and return to it at your next meeting. "Keep the conversation going," she suggests.

Before you sit down to talk, know in your own mind exactly what you'd like to achieve. Perhaps you want more recognition -- or a new profit-sharing arrangement.

Whatever it is, be sure you don't explain yourself poorly. It's possible that in the past you've used vague language to avoid hurting your partner or sent an ambivalent message with your tone or your body language. Have you been too apologetic, watering down your message, because of your empathy? Things don't always have to be sweet and warm. A certain degree of civil confrontation between managers can be perfectly healthy -- not to mention unavoidable, writes Robert Heller, management consultant, author, and founding editor of Management Today magazine, in his recent book, Communicate Clearly.

Try drawing out your partner. You may find she's as eager as you are to extricate herself from these recurring crises. She may be taking too much responsibility for what's going on at home -- her "family may be using and manipulating her," surmises Margaret Paul, a psychologist, author, and chaplain in Los Angeles. Your insistence may be just the nudge she needs to start saying no.


Send your questions to frontierlife@businessweek.com.




Jill Hamburg Coplan has covered work, family, business, and finance for the past decade as a writer and editor for newspapers, magazines, and wire services. She left Working Woman magazine, where she was senior editor, when her first child was born and now works solo from a home office in Brooklyn, N.Y. You can e-mail her at Jill Hamburg Coplan
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