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How to Meet, and Perhaps Marry, Your Own Mail-Order Bride


Lonely, culturally adventurous, or too busy to date? Follow this primer to your heart's content

STEP 1

Find a site that directly connects you to verified female members. Giveaways that the site is iffy include exorbitant fees for translation, phone interpreters, and options such as: "check box to accept minimum credit-card charge to date with beautiful woman from Ukraine."

STEP 2

Voluntarily disclose any criminal records through the International Marriage Broker Regulation Act. It's on the honor system, which is a perfectly sensible method for weeding out former criminals.

STEP 3

Bypass the galleries filled with flaxen-haired, buxom 22-year-old fitness models and ungrammatical come-ons.

STEP 4

Instead, contact 54- year-old Irkutsk schoolteacher Olga. She's real—and probably more than eager to get the hell out of Siberia.

STEP 5

After you've established contact with a woman, be prudent about sending money if she requests it. While it may be true that there's no romance without finance, be wary when a potential spouse asks you to pay for hotel rooms for her entire family—and a $1,500 "house-call license."

STEP 6

Take a trip to meet the woman in her native country, but be wary of suspicious economic arrangements she may have initiated, such as inordinately high fees for her transportation or a pricey hotel she has lined up.

STEP 7

If you have not connected with a woman on your own, sign up for a "romance tour" providing a few "socials" with hundreds of women in a nightclub atmosphere filled with booze.

STEP 8

Propose against a romantic backdrop of cement-block housing units constructed for maximum utilitarian value.

STEP 9

File Form I-129F, Petition for Alien Fiancé(e) ($340) with the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services office. After it's processed (the average wait: one to three months), your fiancée can file through her country's U.S. Embassy or consulate for a K-1 nonimmigrant visa ($350), which permits her to travel to the U.S. and marry you within 90 days, pending approval of a visa interview (waiting time: a few days to many months), supporting documents (possibly including form I-134, Affidavit of Support, attesting to financial sponsorship; $88 if reviewed in the U.S.), evidence of a relationship, and a medical exam. Revel in the whimsical spontaneity of love.

STEP 10

Bring your betrothed back to America. After spending thousands of dollars on meeting her and immigration fees, tell your friends you met at the supermarket.


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