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The Secret Enviga Paper


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January 05, 2007

The Secret Enviga Paper

David Kiley

I have recently been sent what may be a secret strategy document from Coke regarding its Enviga beverage [See Burt Helm's BW story], which the soft drink company says will “burn” calories when you drink it. I can’t confirm its authenticity, but the content of the document certainly seems true, so I’m inclined to believe it.

“To: E. Neville Isdell

From: New Product Development Dept.

Re: Enviga Potential

Date: July, 11, 2005

We seem to have cracked the code on developing a soft drink that marketing will be able to say “burns” calories when you drink it. Of course, we think this is a great breakthrough to hand the marketing department.

Will a product like this actually help anyone control their weight? Is it good for anyone? Of course not. But, as you know, when it comes to losing weight, or the prospect of losing weight, or the illusion of losing weight, a wide swath of the American public are morons. Case in point: heavily caffeinated energy drinks and cups of coffee that cost over $4.00. How we missed these two trends, I’ll never know.

We believe that young people will embrace Enviga, especially young women who say in poll after poll that they would rather be deaf or blind rather than fat. We are positively giddy here in the research department thinking about silly teenage girls, and boys too, pounding a six pack of Enviga at a time in a fog of delusion that they will lose enough weight to fit into that little black dress or to make weight for a wrestling match.

If we had to compare this breakthrough to another product, Sir, it might be none other than diet Coke. As you know, while NutraSweet made it possible for us to provide a no-calorie caffeinated pick-me-up, we have ample evidence that the artificial sweetener also stimulates appetite, and often leads to those people drinking no-cal sodas to eat more food.

But, we are in the soft drink business, not the health business.

As an aside, Sir, we are worried about continued erosion of the diet Coke franchise. Many of our friends have taken to mixing their own, GASP!, soft drink at home. The way this works is that they buy a bottle of no-sodium seltzer. They pour a glass and then flavor it with about one ounce of fruit juice. I confess I tried this concoction, and found it far more refreshing than our own products. I hope you don’t mind me saying that. Perhaps we can build a business case for a product that would combine seltzer with pure fruit juice."

Before the lawyers call....let's keep our tongues in our cheeks.

09:56 AM

Foolishness

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Does anyone really think that someone in a company would write a letter like this? Please. David Kiley you're a moron! And who is 'New Product Development Dept'? This letter stinks of fabrication and I cannot believe you would present it as authentic.

Posted by: Rich at February 1, 2007 01:48 PM

this letter has a tone that tells me that it was written by some person who hates corportations and capitolism. There is no authenticity that implies that it did indeed come from the Coke people.

Posted by: jake at February 3, 2007 10:33 PM

ha ha, Jake, the joke's on you. If you have to be told an essay is a spoof...

Posted by: cosmic mojo at February 5, 2007 01:14 PM

Has everyone read to the last line of this posting. It's parody. it's tongue-in-cheek.

Holy Mackeral!

Posted by: David Kiley at February 5, 2007 01:15 PM

I don't know if this is true or not I can only speak from experience. This drink does open your appetite and therefore I will not drink it anymore. It doesn't taste bad but if it says its supposed to help me lose weight but it opens my appetite...well, that's retarded.

Sometimes I wonder if coca-cola REALLY stopped using coca? We'll continue to drink one soda behind the other not knowing why we are so addicted to it....."The world may never know"

Posted by: Chantell at March 1, 2007 01:22 PM

the green tea flavor one is the only one that does not make you hungry but from what i hear it tastes like shit the other flavors make you want something sweet

Posted by: Sara at April 13, 2007 08:24 AM


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