When one half of a couple works at home and the other outside the house, reduce the tension in your household by banning one incendiary phrase: "It would be no big deal for you to do..." Consider my family. My husband, Stephen, probably wouldn't remember saying or doing anything to make me mad recently. But that little phrase had its effect.

We were discussing our son Elijah's upset stomach. We agreed it made sense to bring medicine to his day care. Stephen said, "When you go swimming this morning, it would be no big deal for you to buy the medicine, and then drop it off at day care." He was right -- sort of. A 10-minute drive out of my way to purchase the medicine, 10 more to drop it off, and a 10-minute ride home -- a half-hour total. No big deal.

Then, it's no big deal to pick up Elijah at midday and care for him all afternoon. It's no big deal, either, to stop working at 4 p.m. -- an hour early -- now that our daughter, Sarah, goes to school. And, of course, it's no big deal to make dinner, clean up, nurse Elijah six times a day, and so on.

None of these tasks is any big deal in itself, so Stephen is right. In fact, if I make a big deal about any one of these responsibilities, I appear unreasonable and selfish. But when you add up all these demands and an intense work schedule, it becomes a big deal. An additional task feels like the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

COST OF COMMITMENTS. If I were to ask the same of Stephen, it would obviously be a big deal. He'd have to ask permission to take time off work, and he'd make it up on his personal time. I work from home, so it appears that there's no cost. But there is a cost if I can't meet my work commitments.

"It will be no big deal..." means my time is no big deal -- and my work commitments are no big deal, either. When Stephen questions why I didn't go out of my way to save $3 on a tank of gas, I hear: "15 minutes of your time is worth less than $3."

I know Stephen appreciates all I do for the family and for him. And I also understand why it does look like no big deal to run one more errand or to fold the laundry neatly. Given Stephen's commitments to his job and a two-hour-a-day commute, it makes sense that I handle most of the daily family responsibilities. I appreciate the flexibility that my work-at-home career gives our family. I honestly don't know how two parents who work outside of the house get it all done!

What can take some tension out of this sort of situation? If you work outside the house, eliminate from your vocabulary: "It would be no big deal if you..." Replace it with something like: "I realize that you've got a lot of demands on your time today. Do you think you can squeeze in...?"

If you notice your work-at-home spouse is nearing burnout, you might say: "I appreciate everything you do around here. Is there anything I can do that might make things easier?" Or: "It's a really big deal to me that you take such good care of our family while also creating a successful business. Thank you."

If you work at home, take responsibility for what happens when you say "yes" to every request, even when you feel overwhelmed. Don't expect your spouse to magically know how much you do every day while he or she is gone. Remember, when a spouse appears inconsiderate, he or she is also expressing frustration at not having the freedom you have.

The "no big deal" lesson is one I found I needed to learn. Whenever I write about our marriage, I give Stephen the opportunity to read the column before it's published, so he can comment and veto anything he's uncomfortable sharing. This particular column sat on Stephen's bureau for more than two weeks. After nagging him a few times, I found myself thinking, "For goodness sakes, it only takes you 15 minutes to look over a column. What's the big deal?" Oops. He caught me. The demands on his time are just as great as mine. This is one more thing on his long list of "to do's." It's no big deal. He got to it when he could.

Have a question on how to handle the pressures of running a business and the impact on your personal life, marriage, and family? Contact Azriela Jaffe at AZ@azriela.com. Please put "BW Online question" in the subject field. Your real name will be kept confidential if you request, but please give an E-mail address, phone number, and your hometown so she can contact you for more information. Because of heavy volume, Azriela cannot guarantee that she will answer every query.

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