I'm coaching a husband and wife who are starting a business while working day jobs. They are so excited about the new venture that they talk about it all the time. Recently, the woman requested this: "I'd like us to take Sundays completely off from talking about the business -- no E-mail, no phone calls, etc." Her husband concurred. I commended them both. Setting boundaries between work and play and supporting a spouse's need for a break are excellent ways to sustain a healthy marriage against the incessant demands of business.

But it's not that simple to get a weekly break. There are hundreds of ways to "take the day off from work," and what one spouse considers a satisfactory "Sabbath" may not be enough for the other. For Orthodox Jews, there are rules for observing the Sabbath down to the smallest detail. Most couples do not follow religious prescriptions -- they make up their own rules. That's why it's important to talk about them.

The following quiz will help you and your spouse broach the subject of the Sabbath. After each of you have scored your answers, make a date to compare them. Where your views differ, ask whether each of you can have it your way -- or if one will sacrifice to honor the other's needs. For example, if my husband (who is an Orthodox Jew) does not want to answer the phone on our Sabbath, but I do, we have choices: I can answer the phone and take messages for him. Or, I can answer personal calls but not the business phone. If he wants the ringer off to avoid being disturbed, I might accommodate him.

Below, score each definition of the Sabbath from 1 to 5: "1" - unacceptable; "2" - acceptable sometimes; "3" - acceptable most of the time; "4" - acceptable unless there's a business or family matter that comes first; "5" - my preferred solution.

1. The Sabbath needs to be 24 hours, from sunset one night until sunset the next day.
2. I'd like it to be at least eight hours on one day.
3. It can be just an afternoon or morning break for me.
4. The Sabbath can be any day of the week.
5. I don't want to receive or make business calls on the Sabbath.
6. I don't want to open or read business or household mail on the Sabbath.
7. I'd prefer no discussion of work during our Sabbath.
8. Discussing fun stuff related to the company, or planning for the future, is O.K. But I don't want to work out any business or relationship problems.
9. I don't want to do any work related to the business.
10. No house or yard work.
11. I want to have part of the Sabbath to myself, for a nap, hobby, or anything I find relaxing.
12. I want to spend part of the Sabbath enjoying intimate time with you.
13. I want to spend some of the time with our children or extended family.
14. Socializing with business acquaintances or employees is O.K.
15. I prefer not to log on to the Internet or to read or send E-mail messages until the Sabbath is over.
16. I enjoy E-mailing friends and family but will postpone business E-mail.
17. I'll answer work-related E-mail, but I'll do no other work.
18. If you want to work, it's fine with me -- as long as I can observe the day my way.
19. I'd prefer it if we observed the entire Sabbath together and neither of us did any work.
20. I would like to avoid shopping and driving -- except to our house of worship.

As work pushes family time to the bottom of the priority list, I advise couples to find ways to integrate some period of rest into their lives to keep from burning out or drifting apart. How you spend the Sabbath is up to you and your family, and it may change. If you aren't currently observing a time of rest, the first step is to do what my client did: State your desire and open the conversation.

Have a question on how to handle the pressures of running a business and the impact on your personal life, marriage, and family? Contact Azriela Jaffe at AZ@azriela.com. Please put "BW Online question" in the subject field. Your real name will be kept confidential if you request, but please give an E-mail address, phone number, and your hometown so she can contact you for more information. Because of heavy volume, Azriela cannot guarantee that she will answer every query.

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