I opened an E-mail message and was greeted by this harsh message: "I didn't ask for this newsletter. Take me off the list jerk!" I publish a free Internet newsletter called The Best Ideas in Business. Obviously, this subscriber didn't want the newsletter, but the only ways to get this particular newsletter are to sign up for it at the sponsor's Web site or to ask me for it directly. She assumed it was unsolicited E-mail -- and that irritated her enough to call me a jerk.

I took her off the list, and, to set the record straight, I notified her that the only way I would have her E-mail address was if she had requested the newsletter. I told her that I was delighted to remove her from the list and that it was unnecessary to call me a jerk. I would be happy to respond to her request without being insulted. Her next E-mail retorted: "You are wrong. I did not ask for this newsletter. If you keep me on the list, I will continue to call you a jerk." Here was one argument I was never going to win, so I left it alone.

LOST IN CYBERSPACE. I -- as you probably do -- rely a great deal on E-mail. Erroneous assumptions are common in the absence of face-to-face communication. For example, I recently E-mailed a colleague a request that she forward me something I needed under deadline. I intended to use what she was sending to help promote her business, so I expected a rapid and grateful response. I waited to hear from her, and, when I heard nothing, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, assuming that the E-mail was lost in cyberspace. When I E-mailed her again and still got no response, I decided to call, instead of assuming that she wasn't interested or planning to respond. It's a good thing I did! Her voice mail said: "My office will be closed for two weeks while my husband and I take a well-deserved vacation to the Caribbean."

The beauty of E-mail is that someone, like myself, can have clients and contacts around the world. Unfortunately, the easiest way to dispel misunderstandings -- by picking up the phone or meeting face-to-face -- is not feasible in many cases. I get 200 to 300 E-mail messages a day. I could never call more than a tiny fraction of my correspondents, and it's not necessary in most cases.

Making erroneous assumptions about your customers and clients applies in face-to-face contact as well as in cyberspace. When we leap to conclusions about someone's negative intentions or interpret a lack of response as a lack of interest, arrogantly clinging to our view of reality, we can be way off base and bring ourselves and others undue misery.

FAULTY ASSUMPTIONS. Ask yourself these questions the next time you judge a customer, employee, colleague, or family member's behavior: "Am I assuming that this person intended to harm me or is intentionally not communicating with me?" If so, ask yourself this: "Is it possible that my assumption is faulty? Is there a way I can check my theory to see if it's accurate before I act on my complaint?" For example, the angry newsletter subscriber might have said: "I don't recall requesting this newsletter, and if I did, I no longer want it. If I didn't ask for it, please do not send me any more unsolicited E-mail."

When a customer expresses great hostility toward you, ask yourself: "Is this person operating on an erroneous assumption and, therefore, being unduly harsh with me because he or she doesn't know better?" Is there a way you can correct that assumption -- nicely -- without reacting with hostility? If you were in that person's shoes and believed as he or she did, could you appreciate the reasons for that anger?

Other people may not be right, but until you correct their assumptions, they are reacting to their reality. Now, I ask you to consider two more complex questions: If you frequently complain about others, do you usually expect that they are out to harm you or disregard your needs? Do you expect the worse or the best from them? Your answers may determine how much of the day you spend frustrated and miserable, wondering why so many people are jerks.

Shift your mind-set. Assume that most people have positive intentions, though they may behave ineffectively or in ways that are misunderstood. Check out negative assumptions before acting on them. Give people the benefit of the doubt. It will make you easier to live and work with, and happier, too.

Have a question on how to handle the pressures of running a business and the impact on your personal life, marriage, and family? Contact Azriela Jaffe at AZ@azriela.com. Please put "BW Online question" in the subject field. Your real name will be kept confidential if you request, but please give an E-mail address, phone number, and your hometown so she can contact you for more information. Because of heavy volume, Azriela cannot guarantee that she will answer every query.