Few things pain married folks more than their spouse's anger or ridicule. And that goes doubly for the exhausted, anxious independent businessperson, who counts on his or her spouse to be head cheerleader. Many entrepreneurs' dreams come to an end when a spouse lashes out repeatedly about the sacrifices the business entails.

Behind that anger is often fear, but it doesn't have to be terminal for a business venture or a marriage. Terri, a freelance writer, is one of many self-employed professionals I hear from who have discovered ways to handle such outbursts. Terri's husband, Mark, is not involved in her business day-to-day, but he became her unsolicited board of directors out of frustration with the slow progress of her fledgling business. Terri recounts:

"My husband used to work in a horrible job around toxic fumes all day. My business was his ticket out, so each day he would ask, 'how much did you make?' It was horrible. I had just started freelancing, and I was struggling for jobs. Mark's questions cut me to the very core, especially when he would get angry and say: 'Well, maybe you're not cut out for this.'

"Finally, I got mad. Really mad. I was tired of hearing how Mark made thousands of dollars more than I did. After a lot of screaming and yelling, we came to terms with what was really going on. Mark admitted that he was scared. He saw himself in a terrible job until he died of cancer from all the chemicals he worked around. I was scared, too. I had no support, and no idea how to make my business more successful.

"Since then, we started having weekly business meetings. These meetings keep Mark informed of my progress and help him feel better. It's also been good for me to get his perspective."

Terri and Mark were able to acknowledge the fear lurking behind their anger when they calmed down and had a candid conversation. Only then did compassion replace judgment. When Terri understood her husband's positive motivation for wanting her business to succeed, she was able to embrace his involvement in her business in a more structured way. Mark became more of a business partner. Before, Terri related to him as if he were a parent or supervisor, and Mark treated her like an incompetent employee.

They joined the same team instead of fighting each other. After all, Terri wanted Mark to be able to quit his job as much as he did.

If you're self-employed and coping with a spouse's accusations, tell him or her that you would love support and assistance, but you can't absorb advice put in such an unloving way. Ask what your spouse is scared of, instead of defending yourself against the accusations. That will catch him or her off-guard and open the conversation.

If you are the spouse of a self-employed professional who is struggling to make the business work, and you are concerned about sluggish cash flow, remember that the best way to speed your spouse's progress is to help him or her build self-confidence. You will rarely succeed by yelling. Your spouse is as scared as you are but can't show it and has to pretend to have it all together in the face of accusations of incompetence. He or she needs your help but will only ask for it when it's safe to do so.

Be gentle with each other, and remember: Rarely is any entrepreneurial success worth the destruction of your marriage.

Have a question on how to handle the pressures of running a business and the impact on your personal life, marriage, and family? Contact Azriela Jaffe at AZ@azriela.com. Please put "BW Online question" in the subject field. Your real name will be kept confidential if you request, but please give an E-mail address, phone number, and your hometown so she can contact you for more information. Because of heavy volume, Azriela cannot guarantee that she will answer every query.