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SEPTEMBER 27, 2000

WORK & FAMILY
By Jill Hamburg Coplan

From Entrepreneur to Caregiver
The same skills that build a business -- delegating, making informed decisions, seeking outside help -- are vital when dealing with a family crisis


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I recently communicated with an entrepreneur in his forties who had taken an unexpectedly early semiretirement to stay with his wife, who had fallen ill. Watching a loved one who's sick "is like getting dragged behind a car," says Edie Raether, a psychotherapist and college instructor in North Carolina. And this business owner's hardship is magnified, Raether says, because he's facing this powerlessness after years of running his own company.

How to ease the way through such a life transition, complicated by a major change in one's work status? It was a burning question for thousands of managers whacked by the corporate downsizings of a decade ago, and it's just as pressing for anyone hit by misfortune today.

On the positive side, as take-charge, self-made types, entrepreneurs are usually well-equipped to ride out change, says Lambertville (N.J.) therapist Joan Rose, a former outplacement counselor for corporate executives who is now a "life transition consultant."

LEARN TO ADAPT. Try to remember how you dealt with change in the past, she advises, and learn from it. Everyone has their own, personal response to transition -- and it's important to understand what yours is, to communicate about it with your spouse, and to accept wherever you are in that "personal transition cycle." Adapting is slow, and there's no set timeline everyone will follow.

The same entrepreneurial skills and strengths a business owner relied on at the company should come into play now. "Delegate to others," Rose says. "Ask for help when you need it. Be resilient. Remember what made you happy and satisfied at the end of the day, and try to replace it" with something similar, she says.

On the downside, for someone whose sense of self was probably inseparable from his company, leaving work behind may entail "a loss of role and identity that can be just as traumatic" as a more tangible kind of loss. And just when you most need them, friends and family probably "assume, based on past performance, that you can manage," says Karol Rose, managing director of the LifeCare.com Consulting Group, author of Work/Life Effectiveness: Programs, Policies and Practices, and no relation to Joan Rose. So the hardest part for a self-made man, she says, may be asking for help.

Caregivers are prone to neglecting their own well-being, and that only compounds their problems, she says. So whether you turn to personal circles of friends, family, and acquaintances, or the professionals available in many communities through hospitals and social service centers, get support -- even if it's only by phone.


Jill Hamburg Coplan has covered work, family, business, and finance for the past decade as a writer and editor for newspapers, magazines, and wire services. She left Working Woman magazine, where she was senior editor, when her first child was born and now works solo from a home office in Brooklyn, N.Y. You can e-mail her at Jill Hamburg Coplan
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