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DECEMBER 29, 2000

WORK & FAMILY
By Jill Hamburg Coplan

The Shy Guy's Guide to Networking
Those cocktail events could be invaluable for a single entrepreneur with the home-office blues. If only he could force himself to go


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Q: I build and manage Web sites from a home office, and I live alone. Lately, all this solitude has been getting to me. I know by attending professional networking events I could kill two birds with one stone: I would be socializing, and, hopefully, I might drum up business. I always put the events on my calendar. But when the time comes, I'm tired, and the last thing I feel like doing is stuffing my pocket with business cards and plastering on a phony smile. How can I get psyched?

---- H.P., Phoenix
A: Unless you have 100 very powerful best friends, knowing how to wave the flag and keep your name out there is an important entrepreneurial survival skill. These gatherings can be great places to meet someone new.

Take heart from the fact that almost everyone feels the same way. According to author and former teacher Susan RoAne (who claims her book, How to Work a Room: Master the Art of Schmoozing to Get Ahead, has sold 1 million copies worldwide), 88% of people admit to being shy at least some of the time. No wonder these networking settings often feel unnatural to so many people.

According to experts, the trick to doing it when you feel beat and introverted is simply to spend the time asking questions of others. RoAne's favorite starter is to make eye contact, smile, say nothing more than "Hi," and give a firm handshake. Almost inevitably, people will feel complimented by the attention. Then your queries can begin.

"Go learn what they're about," says William Morin, the chairman and CEO of WJM Associates, an executive-coaching, search, and assessment company in New York. "Everybody likes to talk about themselves. Asking questions is the best way to get over your phobia." Use the old reporter's trick: open-ended questions that begin with how or why. Of course, it's not an inquisition, so you'll want to reveal something about yourself to help the other person feel comfortable.

Don't be afraid to end conversations. RoAne swears it can be done gracefully. She advises summarizing what you spoke about, telling the person you hope to see him or her again, and walking at least a quarter of the room away.

Ultimately, you should view these events as relationship-builders, not opportunities to sell your services, says Esther Bleuel, a counselor and professor at Pepperdine Graziadio School of Business in Westlake Village, Calif. Pinning on your name tag with that mindset, rather than that of a salesman, might make it easier. And take care to choose the right group: You'll approach events with more enthusiasm if the gatherings are devoted to a subject in which you're genuinely interested.

Finally, if you try these suggestions and still hate networking, don't beat yourself up. Find a medium that works for you, says Sharon Keys Seal, a Baltimore business coach who owns Coaching Concepts. Write for a trade magazine, send notes, or invite people with whom you'd like to develop relationships to low-key meetings over lunch or coffee.


Jill Hamburg Coplan has covered work, family, business, and finance for the past decade as a writer and editor for newspapers, magazines, and wire services. She left Working Woman magazine, where she was senior editor, when her first child was born and now works solo from a home office in Brooklyn, N.Y. You can e-mail her at Jill Hamburg Coplan
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