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INNOVATION
& DESIGN Home Page Architecture Brand Equity Auto Design Game Room SMALLBIZ Smart Answers Success Stories Today's Tip INVESTING Investing: Europe Annual Reports BW 50 S&P Picks & Pans Stock Screeners Free S&P Stock Report SCOREBOARDS Hot Growth 100 Mutual Funds Info Tech 100 S&P 500 B-SCHOOLS Undergrad Programs MBA Blogs MBA Profiles MBA Rankings Who's Hiring Grads | | AUGUST 30, 2000 WORK & FAMILY Finding Love on a Tight Schedule A single, working mother wonders where — and when — she'll ever nab a soul mate
As a 24/7, divorced working parent, what can I do to fulfill the desire to share time, conversation, and experiences with someone -- to have a "soul-mate"? Who in their right mind wants to do it all alone? -- N.W., Rochester, N.Y. However many years it has been since your marriage ended, sorrow and animosity have a way of hanging on. Before doing anything, be sure you're pretty well healed. Your letter suggests you are, and that's important. It won't do much good to meet someone if you're not be ready to start over. Now for the logistics. You can't share conversation and experiences if you don't force yourself to carve out the time, so it's imperative you do so. Single working mothers sometimes let guilt hold them back, perhaps because it means spending money on themselves, says Asina Grant, a Texas single working mom who holds two jobs and is pursuing a degree. "Whether it's relaxing in a hot bubble bath or going to dinner with girlfriends," she says, one night a week away from the kids is a must. Do it for your children's sake. Psychologist Margaret Paul, the author of Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You?, says that attending to your own needs is the best way to show children how to take care of themselves -- and that's a necessary life skill. "It is incredibly challenging," Paul says, "yet finding time for oneself is one of the most important aspects of loving parenting." And as for venues, how about at church or temple, a community dance, a ski club, events organized by the Parents Without Partners organization, while volunteering for a charity, in the course of your workday, in the neighborhood, at the supermarket, while on a vacation, at your health club, in a shopping center, at PTA meetings, community picnics, block parties, your kids' sporting events, or through introductions by friends and relatives. There's also your local chamber of commerce or business-owners support groups like the Young Entrepreneurs Organization. Let the sort of person you'd like to meet (age, profession, beliefs, hobbies) be your guide, says Robert M. Davis, president and founder of 13-year-old Mate-Search International, a match-making service in Villanova, Pa. Better still, take dance lessons. "If she found the biggest dance studio in her area, she'd be in the arms of 50 men within an hour," says Wendee Mason, a speaker and author on dating topics and proprietor of Web site www.Date-smart.com. Along with learning and exercise, "she'll be exposed to men who are primarily single. Men won't approach her if she's in a herd of girlfriends," Mason adds. "She has to be absolutely alone, and [at dance classes, she'd] have a reason to say, 'Hey, I'd like to practice with you sometime.'" It's also becoming more commonplace to meet through personal ads or even online dating forums, though I'd approach them with a great deal of caution. It's quick, though, and the demographics may be right: One service, Match.com, found that a sixth of its visitors were single dads. Of course, professional introduction services can, for several thousand dollars, screen for potential companions by hundreds of criteria you provide (i.e, a bearded, iguana-owning, nonsmoking pharmacist). Be sure they do extensive background checks, including criminal records, says Paul Falzone, CEO of two such services, The Right One and Together Dating, whose 96 locations serve a majority of divorced clientele. And however you meet, it's never a bad idea with someone new to have your first few get-togethers in a public place. Send your questions to frontierlife@businessweek.com.   | | |
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