A Secret for Contending with Colleagues

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Understanding other people's expectations can help you reset your own. And that helps you work with them more effectively

When I'm sitting in a meeting with Yukiko, my Japanese partner, and she doesn't speak, I might assume she agrees with what I'm saying. But I'd be wrong. It's not that she agrees with me, it's just that she would never disagree with me in public. If I understand that, I won't be surprised when she doesn't follow through.

Still it's almost easier to understand Yukiko because I'm from New York and she's from Tokyo. I expect her to be different.

But Chris in the office next door? Who's also from New York? That's a different story. I shouldn't need instructions on what to expect from him.

But I do. Because each one of us is, in effect, from a different culture. We have different parents, different teachers, different experiences, different hopes and dreams, successes and failures. Even if we understand the same words, we're still speaking different languages.

So instead of getting frustrated with other people, learn their rules of engagement. If you pretend each person is from a foreign country you don't fully understand, you'll be more open to accepting him or her.

Think of every interaction as an experiment that explains a little bit more about the individual you're dealing with. Then, when someone defies your expectations, don't get mad. Just change your expectations to more accurately align with reality. Once you understand your colleagues' operating instructions, you might decide to approach them differently. Use different words. Be more or less aggressive.

Or you might decide to leave—to go and work somewhere else with other people. Because once you accept your colleagues, once you realize you simply can't buy milk at a hardware store, you might decide you don't want to be in a hardware store at all. I'm not saying people can't change. I'm just saying you're setting yourself up if you expect them to.

"Do you think I should call Michelle to talk with her about this afternoon?" Eleanor asked me, still stewing over getting the cold shoulder.

"That depends," I answered, "will you be OK with it when she blows you off?"

Provided by Harvard Business—Where Leaders Get Their Edge

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