The Analysis: The Mentor Who Asked Too Much

Despite his generosity toward his mentee, expecting her to reciprocate by entering a battle on his behalf was unfair

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After joining a New York news Web site, Christine benefited from the advice and tutelage of Angelo, a co-worker who turned into her informal mentor. Then she profited even more when she received his old job—after he was forced to quit by a boss, Helmut, who insisted he move to Philadelphia or pack his bags.

To Angelo, it had seemed only natural that Christine should knock on Helmut's door and ask him to reconsider the ultimatum and allow him to stay in Philadelphia. To Christine, it sounded like an awkward situation she had no business entering.

Who erred? Well, they both did, according to the experts. Let's start with Angelo. "In a typical mentor-mentee relationship, it would be unusual for a mentee to step up to the boss for her mentor," says Kathleen Pytleski, a senior vice-president at the consulting firm Menttium in Minneapolis. "She wouldn't have had the right to ask the same of him, either."

A Lack of Sympathy

Indeed, say career coaches and consultants, the mentor-mentee relationship is about consultation with each other, not intervention with a third party. "The situation doesn't sound like one she could have made a case for even if she'd wanted to," says New York career coach Phyllis Rosen. After all, how many bosses appreciate meddling or gratuitous advice from subordinates? It might have led to an ouster for Christine as well as Angelo.

As for Christine's error, it lay in a lack of sympathy rather than a surfeit of ambition. There was nothing wrong with her desire for promotion, even when it meant taking over Angelo's job. "I've seen people sabotage their careers because they don't want to rise above the mentor," says Joel Garfinkle, an executive career coach at Garfinkle Executive Coaching in Oakland, Calif. "The reverence for the mentor can make the mentee lessen his or her skills."

So if taking Angelo's job was no sin, how did Christine go wrong? "When the mentor put in his resignation, it should have triggered a series of events that ensured the relationship stayed intact," says Chason Hecht, president of Retensa Retention Experts in New York. That meant Christine should have treated Angelo's departure with the same sympathy and caring she would give to a good friend or a spouse who was fired.

Amends Could Have Been Made

"You should reach out to the mentor to offer help," says Garfinkle. "Be specific. Instead of asking if there's anything you can do, say, 'Can I connect you with someone?'" And she should have taken the opportunity to express to Angelo how much his advice and friendship had meant to her.

After the warm rapport between her and Angelo froze into awkward formality, she should have approached him to make amends. "There should have been a conversation with him to understand why he felt disappointed," says Pytleski. "Talking it through and solving the problem could have resulted in a much stronger relationship in the future." There's no saying Angelo couldn't turn around and hire Christine to work with him in whatever new job he got outside the company.

Regardless of any mistakes Christine and Angelo may have made, experts agree that some of the blame lies with a third party: the company itself for not offering employees a formal mentoring program. "Mentors and mentees need training," says Hecht.

According to Rosen, a formal mentoring program should start with a frank talk about expectations and goals, and it should include regularly scheduled meetings and communications "so the relationship is not left to haphazard circumstances."

Unfortunately, in this case the informal relationship between Christine and Angelo that led to such a warm friendship and strong working relationship ultimately caused the hard feelings on his part. Even though the relationship ended badly, however, Angelo has something good to take with him to his next employer. "Having a mentee allowed him to validate his skills in guidance," says Kathleen Barton, a senior consultant with the Mentoring Group in Grass Valley, Calif. "He can use that skill to coach the staff at his new job."