The Ethics of Office Romance

If you're thinking about hooking up at work, you're looking for love in all the wrong places

by Bruce Weinstein, PhD

For many of us the workplace, where we spend a large percentage of our waking hours, isn't just where we go to do our jobs. It's also the place where we eat many meals, and develop and maintain friendships that last beyond office hours and sometimes even the job itself.

Given the amount of time we spend at work, the office seems like the most logical venue to look for romance (BusinessWeek, 5/23/07)—or even a hookup—and it's certainly the most practical. Fellow employees are more likely than total strangers to share at least some of our goals and values. At work, we get to know people better than we can in bars, on the Internet, or even through a blind date set up by well-meaning friends and family members.

For all these reasons, it's tempting to pursue a romance with a co-worker, an assistant, or (gulp) the boss. But there are many more compelling reasons why we shouldn't. Office romances, despite potential benefits, are at best troublesome and at worst damaging to ourselves, our co-workers, and our employer.

The Sad Truth About Romance

Most romantic relationships do not work out. How many people do you know who are married or still in a committed relationship with the very first person they ever dated? Not many, I suspect, and it would be rather odd if that weren't so. After all, it is only through experience that we discover what we are looking for in a partner and what we ourselves need to do to make a relationship successful. For many of us, this process of trial and error takes a while. It took me, your humble correspondent, until the age of 46 to find the woman I wanted to marry (or perhaps more accurately, the woman who wanted to marry me).

The implications for the workplace are this: The odds against an office romance succeeding are just slightly better than what you'd find at the worst casino in Las Vegas. When you lose at roulette or keno, though, you're out only a couple of bucks (if you're smart), and that's the end of it. When you lose the game of love at the office, you still have to face the other person day after day. That constant reminder of a relationship that didn't work out is a painful burden to bear, and it can affect how well you are able to do your job, which is the main, if not sole, reason we're employed in the first place.

The Lives of Others

"But I know a couple who met at work a long time ago and they're still together," you say. Even if that's true, we often overlook the downside such relationships have for other employees. If co-workers Jane Doe and Joe Schmoe are still going strong, and they're in the same department, when Joe goes into Jane's office and closes the door, will others think the two need privacy for work—or for something spicier? If Jane and Joe break up, will the tension in the air make it difficult for others to do their jobs effectively? The workplace shouldn't be a sexualized environment or one fraught with the fallout of a failed relationship.

A romance between two people at work affects more than just those two people. The love-struck couple may not notice or care about this, but they should. Since ethics is fundamentally about considering how our actions affect the rights and well-being of other people, romantic relationships on the job raise bona fide ethical concerns.

Power Struggle

Dating a fellow employee is tricky enough when the parties in question have the same or similar levels of power and authority within the organization. When there is a significant imbalance of power, such as between a senior and junior-level executive or an executive and his or her assistant, the stakes are even higher, and the ethical problems are more pronounced. Suppose, for example, you are a manager, and a new member of your team seems particularly friendly toward you.