When Your Kids' Needs Conflict With Work

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Not only that, but "Brynn was tantrum-free last week," she says, "which is saying a lot for our 3-year-old."

When Fitzsimmons does need to travel, she gives the girls lots of advance notice, telling them where she's going and how many "sleeps" she'll be away. "The more details they have, the better," she says. That seems to give the girls a better sense of control, she says, which means fewer tantrums.

GRADE SCHOOLERS

Throughout grade school, the questions will keep coming and the scrutiny will get more intense. But in some respects, talking about work may get a bit easier. By this time, most kids are ready to learn how the world works—that their comfy bed, yummy food, and fun vacations cost money, which doesn't magically come out of an ATM. Most kids can also appreciate that you're making a contribution to society. If you haven't already, explain to them what your company does, introduce them to your employees, show them your workplace, and let them spend time with you on a typical day. "This gives them a sense of security, because they know where you are and can visualize it," says Coleman.

Just make sure you don't get so focused on the literal answer to your kid's questions that you ignore the subtext. What your child may really be asking is not "Why do you work?" but "Why were you too busy to help with a school project?" or "Why was a business trip more important than my soccer game?" Try to remember that when you're tempted to brush them off or say, "Haven't we been through this before?" Instead, ask your children how they feel about you going to work, says Coleman. "That allows the child to reveal an underlying concern."

TWEENS AND TEENS

By middle school your child should be able to understand that you have many reasons for working. It not only pays the bills and contributes something to society; it also (let's hope) gives you personal satisfaction. "As kids get older you can take the focus off why you have to work and talk about why it's something you're passionate about," says Joe Bruzzese, a former middle school teacher in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can also address some of the unique rewards and responsibilities that come with working for yourself rather than for someone else. If it makes sense, offer your child a summer job working for your company. "Your kids will have a whole new appreciation for why you do what you do," says Bruzzese. And who knows? Maybe they will even want to follow in your footsteps.

In other ways, these conversations may become more strained as your kids get older. "Younger kids tend to be more up front about what they need," says Bruzzese. "When kids get into the tween years, they are more reluctant to talk." It's up to you to keep the lines of communication wide open, especially if you're on the road or holed up in the office.

When her daughter, D'vora, was in middle school, Fran Biderman-Gross, CEO of Advantages, a New York marketing agency and print shop with 12 employees and $1.4 million in sales, blocked her schedule from 4:15 to 4:30 so her daughter could call in and "ramble" about her day. "Giving her those 15 minutes after school was key," says Biderman-Gross. These days she uses texting, Facebook, and even Twitter to stay in touch with D'vora, now 16, and son, Avi, 20. And she's scheduling weekly midday "dates" with her youngest, one-year-old Ariella. "My kids feel they've got a little piece of me," says Biderman-Gross. "So if I have to work the weekend, it's not quite so bad." The kids feel better about work, and so does Mom.

Return to the BWSmallBiz June/July 2009 Table of Contents

Gunn is a contributor to BusinessWeek SmallBiz.

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