When Your Kids' Needs Conflict With Work

How entrepreneurs can explain their nutty work schedules to their kids

Matthew Mahon

By Sarah Max

Too often, working weekends, living out of a suitcase, and bringing the BlackBerry to dinner are the price one pays for being an entrepreneur. But try explaining that to a 6-year-old. "The other day my daughter, Luna, asked why I was sending an e-mail," says Shep Sepaniak, managing partner of Fritz-McDonald, a New York employee benefit brokerage with six employees and $20 million in gross revenue. It was early in the morning, and Sepaniak was working in his home office. When Sepaniak tried to explain that the e-mail was to an important client, Luna replied, "Didn't you do that yesterday?"

Good point. But unless your child is wise beyond her years or has the empathy of the Dalai Lama, she will undoubtedly ask—again and again and again—why you have to work (and talk, and travel, and e-mail) so much. It's a question most working parents have to deal with, but it can be particularly nagging for entrepreneurs, who are on the job 24/7. Anthony Migyanka is a divorced dad who is also the managing partner of Mobile Money Minute, an Irving (Tex.) investor relations consulting firm with 10 employees and $5 million in revenue. He has joint custody of his 6-year-old son, Anthony, and 3-year-old daughter, Sophia. Being an entrepreneur allows him some flexibility, so he picks the kids up from school a few days a week and turns off his work phone between 5 p.m. and 8 p.m. But there is still the occasional e-mail that can't wait. "My son calls me the King of E-Mail, because many times while we're at the park or in a restaurant, I'm also typing away furiously on my BlackBerry," says Migyanka. "I tell him, isn't it better that I can be here with you and your sister eating dinner rather than at my office and away from you? He usually agrees."

You shouldn't feel guilty when kids ask about work, says Paul Coleman, a psychologist in Wappingers Falls, N.Y. Chances are they don't want you to stop working—they just need to know they're important. "You need to show empathy for your child when he or she is disappointed that you have to work," Coleman says. Here's how to help them along.

PRESCHOOLERS

Three-year-old Brynn is too young to understand, or even pronounce, Web telephony. That's strictly for Mom, who's the chief executive of HarQen, a 10-person Milwaukee Web telephony startup. But Brynn still picks up her mom's briefcase and cell phone and announces that she's "off to work." Occasionally Brynn will even talk on two phones at once. "I hope I don't do that," says her mom, Kelly Fitzsimmons.

When your child starts pecking away at your keyboard or scheduling board meetings with her dolls, it's probably time to introduce the concept of work. "Don't feel you have to wait until your child is verbal to bring it up," says Sharon Fried Buchalter, a clinical psychologist in Delray Beach, Fla. "Let them know you'd always rather spend time with them, but that most mommies and daddies have to go to work." Most kids just need reassurance that you'll be home and available to spend time with them later, she adds. If the lines between work and family life are blurred, as they often are for entrepreneurs, make a point of blocking out time you can devote solely to your kids. "It's better to spend one hour of quality time with your child than a whole day when you're not really present," says Buchalter.

Of course, kids being kids, they're still apt to cling and cry when you leave the house. Some parents resort to sneaking out of the house or mentioning the trip as they're packing. Bad idea, says Buchalter. That lesson hit home for Fitzsimmons a few months ago when she left for a business trip without giving Brynn and her little sister, Reiley, advance warning. "Brynn lost her mind that Mommy wasn't there," says Fitzsimmons. "I'll never do that again." Fitzsimmons has recently pared back her travel schedule, realizing it was too expensive and just too hard on the girls. "Recently, I did my first videoconference for an investor pitch," she says. "It went terrifically. If you had told me that I could fund-raise via videoconferencing even a couple of months ago, I would have pushed back."

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