Work-Life Balance: It's Never Too Late

Step back, think, and reflect. You can gain renewed focus and a fresh perspective on your children, your marriage, and your job

By Annie McKee

"My daughter Amber came home from camp this summer, and I almost didn't recognize her. She's 12, and honestly, she looks and acts like a teenager. Where did my little girl go? Got me thinking, you know? Soon she'll be 18, and she'll be gone. So this summer I've tried to spend a lot more time with her. But it just isn't working. It breaks my heart, because I know it's my fault. All these years, all the travel, the meetings, the deadlines… I just wasn't around. I missed her plays and her games and even her birthdays…My wife took care of all that so well, I thought we'd be fine. But we aren't. I don't know her, and she doesn't know me. She doesn't really want to be around me. We can't even have a decent conversation, and it's so clear that she isn't having fun when I try to do things with her. I've lost her."

Max was in so much pain. What made it even worse was that the reason Max and I were talking was that he was also in deep trouble at work. His team wasn't coming through for the company, a couple of key people had recently quit to join the competition, and his yearend review had been pretty grim. With a tremor in his voice, Max said that he suspected he wasn't going to be promoted into that longed-for seat at the executive table (he was right). Here was a man whose career was leveling off at best, maybe even falling apart, and his family life was also in tatters. To top it all off, Max looked tired and unhealthy. A terrible situation. But one that I, as an executive coach working with top global leaders, see all the time.

What had happened to Max? Sure, he was bruised and fragile. But I could see that underneath he was a smart, engaging, and genuine person. There were glimmers of a great sense of humor. He was fluent with his emotions and had a great passion for his family and his work. Max had all the makings of a successful executive, a top-notch dad, and a loving husband. He hadn't intended to ignore his daughter, his wife, his life. Where did things go wrong?

A Typical Case

As tragic as it sounds, Max's story is one I see too often among the executives I work with. Like them, Max spent his 20s and 30s positioning himself in his company, working really hard to make his mark. He got married, had two kids, and tried hard to balance the new (and welcome) responsibilities that went along with his young family. He was pretty happy at home, well respected at work, and seen as a good team member and a good leader.

Somewhere along the way, though, Max lost sight of the real reasons he was working so hard. He had senior leadership positions in sight. And his ambition, once a strength, became a liability. It was clouding the bigger dreams he had for himself as a person, a husband, and a father. If he'd been paying attention, he might have noticed and tried to do something: He was missing a lot at home, sleeping poorly, and having far too many small but troubling arguments with his wife. If he had taken the time to stop, consider the big picture, and build in regular and sustained downtime (not just vacations, but regular, daily reflection), he probably wouldn't have ended up in such a bad place. But Max hadn't practiced mindfulness. He worked longer and later, stopped seeing close friends, and couldn't really relax or unplug.

By the time Max was in his mid-40s, he'd been ultrafocused on work for a very long time. He'd been rewarded handsomely, too—bonuses, accolades, promotions. It was an endless loop: Over and over he worked hard to grab that next brass ring, demanded more and more of himself and others, got short-term results, and was encouraged at every turn to do it again. Even the best leaders (and people) crack under this kind of pressure, especially when personal dreams are clouded by dysfunctional ambition and power stress.

What is power stress? It's that state of chronic tension that occurs when people in extreme, high-pressure jobs simply never stop. In the BlackBerry Age, more and more of us are afflicted.