Elder Care and the Generational Squeeze: High-Stress—and Welcome

Ann, your story brought tears to my eyes. Your positive attitude is refreshing and inspiring. I'm not where you are, yet, but do think about the future and what will come of it. I'm considering paying for Long Term Care insurance for my parents now, who both just turned 61, since I know I will be the one responsible for covering the costs of their care, if needed. It's a big cost to take on now, but an even bigger one later.

As the local daughter-in-law, and the long distance daughter for our mothers with Alzheimer's, I want to share the joys and heartache I am experiencing.

As I visit my mothers, I am awed by the bliss of truly being "in the moment" as each daily task seems to be brand new and exciting to them. Many of us strive for this sense of joy through prayer, meditation, etc., but their brains seem to have given them this toddler like awe and joy. Although the loss of memory and dignity is truly devasting, the gain of seeing each moment as new and precious is something I cherish.

As a mental health professional, I have been working hard to find "balance", "take care of unfinished business", and "go through the steps of grieving". But nothing can prepare me for the lack of control, the not knowing when my mother's life will end, the pain of each good-bye and not ever knowing when each visit, call and "I love you" will be the last.

The guilt of living my life to the fullest, as my mother would wish, is the hardest. Part of me wants to travel cross-country to be with my mother every waking minute, and yet I realize......life goes on, and taking care of myself is the gift my mother would want most of all for me, since she can no longer take care of me. I am exhausted and can only physically, emotional and financially afford just so many trips to visit. And it's just as hard with my mother-in-law right here in town.

So I have no advice to offer, as all of my answers seem to be "I don't know" right now. It is so easy to say and so hard to do: just go with the flow when you have no control, see the joy and be thankful for what your parents do have to give, keep your sense of humor, and cherish those moments of love and connection. Besides doing everything we can to take care of our parents, they really need and want us to take care of ourselves.

Unfortunately, we have first-hand experience with this subject through years past of having to place both my husband's parents, and most recently, in 2007, his sister into nursing homes.

The decisions that you will make, and have made over the year will be questioned by yourself for probably years to come. Make peace with the fact that it is impossible situation with too many concerns (the loved one, yourself, your family, your job, etc...). There will always be someone or something in your life losing out.

Meg Eastman's pretty much sums it up...

Anne, your article was so beautifully crafted. We too have a 93 yr old in a nursing home - in Florida and the distance is a problem. Furthermore, she invested ~$15,000. in an insurance policy that she believed would take care of her in her old/frail state and it was the wrong type of insurance for her current needs - so it was a total waste. Buyer beware! We are grateful that my sister-in-law lives in the same town and can keep an eye on everything, but saddened that mom can never go "home" again.

Anne, after my first reading of your article, I was most struck with the details that brought back so many bittersweet memories of caring for my mother. As I deal with the my 82-year-old cousin Elizabeth now, I can discern the same patterns of the onset and paths of dementia as well as the gradual physical weakening and inevitable illnesses and their ravaging effects to come. It can teach one a calm acceptance of the life cycle, which is not to say that there should be no fight for every precious moment of life we can have. When my husband once asked me why I go daily--sometimes several times a day--to see my my mother, I told him that he had to understand that I had to fight a daily battle for my mother.

Upon my second reading tonight, what struck me was that those of us who have experienced this generational squeeze may be denied the same care that we have been so diligent in seeing that our own parents received. No government should have the right to discern when a human life is no longer relevant. Troubling.

Anne, after my first reading of your article, I was most struck with the details that brought back so many bittersweet memories of caring for my mother. As I deal with the my 82-year-old cousin Elizabeth now, I can discern the same patterns of the onset and paths of dementia as well as the gradual physical weakening and inevitable illnesses and their ravaging effects to come. It can teach one a calm acceptance of the life cycle, which is not to say that there should be no fight for every precious moment of life we can have. When my husband once asked me why I go daily--sometimes several times a day--to see my my mother, I told him that he had to understand that I had to fight a daily battle for my mother.

Upon my second reading tonight, what struck me was that those of us who have experienced this generational squeeze may be denied the same care that we have been so diligent in seeing that our own parents received. No government should have the right to discern when a human life is no longer relevant. Troubling.