Leaving Your Kids Again? Good!

Posted by: Diane Brady on June 12

Here’s a guest post by Lenore Skenazy, the founder of freerangekids.com and author of “Free-Range Kids”:

You’re off on another business trip. Another three days away from your kids (oh yeah – and spouse). You pack your suitcase but have a hard time getting it shut, because it’s so full. Of guilt.

Absentee parentism is considered close to child abuse in some circles – especially in Disney movies, where nine times out of ten some moppet is bravely choking back tears because mom or dad is too busy to understand his need to sing, or need for a dog, or need for a cheering parent in the bleachers. Absent parents are bad parents, but by the end of the movie those “selfish” grown-ups have learned their lesson: Celebrate every gosh darn moment of your child’s life or consider yourself Facebook friends with Cruella de Vil.

But is that truly what children need? Constant parental presence? Historically and psychologically, no.

As I was researching my new book, “Free-Range Kids: Giving our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry,” it became obvious that many of the happiest, smartest, best-adjusted people you’ve ever heard had nothing remotely resembling a Disney childhood. From Ben Franklin, packed off to an apprenticeship at age 12 (as was common back then), to Barack Obama, abandoned by his dad at age 2, it seems pretty obvious that what a child needs is not a parent’s constant presence, but a parent— or grandparent, or some other caring adult – who has confidence in them.

In fact, too much parental hovering can sometimes sap a kid’s confidence. “Was it mom’s special ice skate-tying technique that helped me win?” a child might wonder, “Or my own ability?” The only way to find out is to tell mom: Today I’m tying my skates myself. This happens to be even easier when mom isn’t there.

Because we live in a hot-house culture that has decided children need constant supervision (thanks to ramped up fears out of line with a crime rate actually back on par with 1970), parents have colonized almost every kiddie sphere. Birthday parties. Baseball practice. The park. But what we have to remember is: This hovering is new.

Chances are when you were a kid, you walked to your friend’s house without a second thought. Now kids are driven. You played outside till the streetlights came on. Now kids stay inside, supervised. And if your dad worked late, or you were a latchkey kid, no one pitied you because your parent wasn’t there to check your every diagrammed sentence. You just did it on your own. In other words, you grew up confident in yourself and in your parents’ love. Maybe you even figured out why we diagram sentences.

So while you might feel bad leaving your kids for a few days – or more than a few days – it’s quite possible you’re giving those kids the rare but golden opportunity to muddle through on their own. When you come home, you’ll still be listened to. You’ll still be loved. And with one confident click, you can de-friend forever Cruella de Vil.

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