Surviving the Downturn – As Husband and Wife

Posted by: Diane Brady on March 16, 2009

I recently came across a book—GETTING TO 50/50: How Working Couples Can Have It All by Sharing It All—which is on sale now. It struck me as particularly relevant in these times, so I asked authors Sharon Meers and Joanna Strober if they wanted to write up a guest post. Here’s what they had to say:

Husbands and wives are talking a lot these days about how their spouse is either working too hard to keep their job or working too little because they’ve already been cut.

What do I do if my spouse gets fired? Don’t assume that the spouse who’s at home should do all the housework. Research says that divorce risk declines when couples share more equally in earning and chores. Even if one spouse earns nothing, marriage is more likely to succeed if the breadwinner spouse keeps doing a reasonable share of housework.

What if my spouse doesn’t do family tasks the way I would? Nobody wants a boss at home. Happy working couples showed us a roadmap for sharing chores more equally at home without any nagging: Make a master plan – list out all the things you each do at home and know it’s much easier to split things fairly if you agree that all the items on the list are really needed. Let go – often spouses (particularly moms) have a hard time accepting that maybe beds don’t need to be made every day and that both parents get an equal vote on what matters in homelife. Show appreciation – say “thank you” no matter how much you like your own way of doing it better.

What do I do if my spouse is putting in lots of extra hours and putting a strain on our family? First, it helps to remember that two career bets are better than one. When we work more hours, we have to keep an eye on the stress we are putting on our partners to makes sure we aren’t endangering their jobs too. A second income buys a lot of options – time to look for a better job or start a business if we decide to quit or get fired.

To keep our jobs, we likely do have to stay at our desks longer. Economic uncertainly means we often have to do redundant work because we just don’t know what will pay off. But focusing our bosses on results can help. Getting agreement on what metrics matter – does the boss want more revenue from a lot of little contracts or less revenue from a few big ones – means that we can manage our time better and be more likely to get home to our kids.

Our children understand that this is the worst economic mess since the Depression and know that we love them even if we have to work more right now. But keep this in mind: Studies are clear that kids reap big benefits from two involved parents and families are better off when moms and dads see each other as a team of equals at home. More dads need to know that they are uniquely valuable to their kids (regardless of how involved the mothers is) – fathers who go to their children’s school, help with home work and get home for dinner have better behaved kids with higher grades and confidence.

Adopting a more open mindset about family roles can save families a lot of stress in today’s downturn. Men want loving bonds with their kids, and women need an income as much as men do. And when we organize our lives to reflect these truths, we may find a more satisfying model of marriage that will endure in any economy.

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