Parenting Through the Cinderella Complex: Part 2

Woops. I forgot to mention Savita wrote this one!

Great post. I wrestle with these issues as well, because my daughter is Chinese, and adopted, and has gotten teased over the years on both counts. She tells me that one boy in her class often pulls his eyes to make them slanted when talking to her. And she often gets questions about where her “real” parents are, or why she doesn’t look like me, though usually out of curiosity, not meanness. Nothing has been unduly harsh yet, so I tend to overlook it, but as she moves beyond multicultural Brooklyn that may change. I usually say, “just tell him so what? You’re eyes are slanted, there’s nothing wrong with that,” in hopes that she will take pride in her looks, not think there is something wrong or out of the ordinary, but as a member of the majority race, I have no idea if that is the right response, or if I can really understand her feelings.

I have a friend with a Chinese daughter who tends to go ballistic over these issues and I know it irritates everyone around her, so I agree with you not to turn to the school over every little slight. Though I almost did when a teacher confused my daughter with another Chinese girl—who was a head taller, had short hair, was very shy (unlike my class clown) and wore a patch over one eye! I know they "all look alike," but geesh.

Excellent post. But is the racist child in question--and presumably her family--aware that an American black family of four is about to move into the White House? Even though your daughter may be young and in The Netherlands, doesn't our election provide her with a a powerful symbol? Simply send her to school with one of many magazine covers or newspaper front pages featuring the our President-elect. How would that other child explain our election? And can't the Obamas serve as an inspiration for your daughter each time she faces such ignorance?

Sadly, her classmate's comments remind me of a conversation I had with an Afrikaner in 1984 on a flight from Cape Town, South Africa, to Johannesburg. The man seemed to believe as absolute truth that black Africans were simply created with less intelligence than whites. It was clear he couldn't--or wouldn't--be swayed, despite my efforts, despite my conversation about the Cambridge-educated Ghanaian who was heir to my father's engineering job in Ghana. I only hope that he lived to see Colin Powell as Chairman of the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff and later Secretary of State, Kofi Annan as Secretary-General of the U.N., and Nelson Mandela as winner of a Nobel Peace Prize--and president of the man's own country.

I feel you. I would definitely try to talk to the mom's girl. Bullying in any form or shape is NOT OK and it should be addressed. Not to say that you should "go ballistic" as another reader mentioned, but respectfully convey how it is making your daughter (and you) feel. If you are talking to a half-way decent and moral person, they'll take you seriously and do something about it. Your daughter should not be made feel like there's something "wrong" with her for being different. And the younger generation needs to be educated on tolerance, multiculturalism and plain old respect.

Excellent comments, Anne.

totally a big deal. building positive self-image and self-esteem are crucial in the early stages of life.

i would actually talk to both the child's mother and the teacher/school. don't be overly emotional or upset (don't want them to dismiss your concerns into the "angry black woman" category) but definitely make them understand that you are serious and are not playing.

you're your daughter's advocate! don't feel bad for it.

PS
i have similar issues with the whole "princess" thing. i wrote about it here:
http://svmomblog.typepad.com/dc_metro_moms/2008/08/hurry-up-disney.html

I would talk to the teacher and see what happens, though yoy always have the option of talking to the child yourself and discussing why the comments are offensive. If the child understands, fine. If not, drop him from the play group and tell the parents why.