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When a baby dies

Posted by: Diane Brady on March 04

Many children learn to deal with death when they lose a grandparent or the family dog gets hit by a car. But a very sad situation emerged in my daughter’s kindergarten class this week and I wasn’t sure how best to deal with it.

The mother of one of her classmates lost a baby in utero at 40 weeks. Among the range of emotions experienced by the little boy was embarrassment, his mother says, at having to tell his pals that his long-awaited brother wouldn’t be showing up. So the mother sent an e-mail, letting other parents in the class know of the loss so that the boy wouldn’t have to bear the burden of explaining how mommy is doing with the new baby.

The question is whether I share what happened with my daughter. She certainly noticed the woman’s big tummy and may detect an air of sadness in her classmate. I’m just not sure if I should be conveying the news that he lost a baby brother. We have the maturity and life experience to share in the heart ache of the family, but does a five year old?

Right now, my instinct is to reach out to the parents and say nothing to my daughter. It’s not that she wouldn’t understand (she lost a 13-year-old cousin two years ago and still talks about him). It’s just that I don’t think making her aware of this abstract situation would be helpful to her or to the grieving little boy. It feels like the right way to go but I’m not sure.

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Reader Comments

Maria

March 4, 2008 08:48 AM

You know your child - is she going to ask her classmate about his baby brother? With each of my children I would handle it differently b/c they notice different things and react differently. We have a good friend who lost a son after a 16 month struggle w/a heart defect that my son has but has done well. Our children know about it but I don't think that my heart kid has made the connection - he knows this baby died b/c his heart didn't work but thank goodness he hasn't hasn't asked (so am i going to die). Please do reach out to the parents - I continue to be surprised that our friends want to spend time w/us - I would think it would be difficult (we got to keep our heart kid and they didn't). But they do - and maybe it's because we don't get too flustered when we talk about the child who died. I'm very sorry for your friends' loss.

Midwest

March 12, 2008 10:14 PM

Reach out to the parents. Any real emotional support you can provide them should help, even if in small part, with their grieving process.

Your daughter and your understanding of her will help you determine what is best. I believe that there will be countless opinions on how best to approach this but you must work with your instincts. If asked, answer with assuredness so she does not see the situation as an enormous mystery. I think this will foster fear in her and that would be the last thing she needs. If she doesn't ask, then it's up to you as to whether or not to address it but don't feel compelled to.

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In this blog, BusinessWeek’s Lauren Young, Cathy Arnst, Diane Brady, Karyn McCormack, Anne Newman, Mauro Vaisman, Lourdes L. Valeriano, and Joy Katz, Mark Hyman, along with freelance writer Savita Iyer-Ahrestani, lead a broad discussion of the issues and day-to-day concerns of working parents, offering up interviews with work/life experts, examinations of relevant research, and their personal accounts of bouncing between separate, sometimes conflicting worlds.

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