Family Time, Family Drama

Posted by: Lauren Young on November 19

A news alert (below) about family conflicts during the holidays from my alma mater grabbed my attention. My mom and sister are both away for Thanksgiving, but I’ve already had one fight with my stepmom about Thanksgiving dinner! What is it about female family dynamics that sets us off?

I won’t bore you with the details, but the argument my stepmom and I had last week was over where my husband, son, and I would stay during the Thanksgiving holiday, and who would cook dinner. My husband and I are big foodies, so we really enjoy cooking a feast. But the logistics of staying one place and cooking dinner somewhere else seemed tricky, especially when you factor in my son’s nap. When my stepmom suggested going out to eat, I went ballistic.

Well…it turns out my father-in-law is in the hospital through the weekend, my stepmom’s oven is currently not working, and now we don’t actually know WHERE we are having Thanksgiving dinner yet.

In hindsight, I realize I was being a bit ridiculous when I picked a fight with my stepmom. At this point, it would be fine to go out to dinner. Sometimes you just need to cut corners. Instead of quibbling over silly details, I’m just thankful my father-in-law is okay, and that we will be with my baby brothers—one is visiting from Los Angeles. I’ll even get to spend time over the holiday with cousins we rarely get to see.

I vow to follow these tips to be a better daughter/mother/sister/wife this year.

Hershey, Pa. -- Holidays bring families together often for dinners and activities, but sometimes emotional dramas between women family members can stir up chaos instead of goodwill, says a Penn State researcher.

Cheryl Dellasega, professor of humanities and women's studies in Penn State's College of Medicine, examines the even harsher reality of female family feuds -- sisters who sabotage, ex-wives who wage subtle warfare and other family situations where women emotionally wound each other -- in her new book "Forced to Be Family: A Guide for Living with Sinister Sisters, Drama Mamas and Infuriating In-Laws."

She offers clinical insights and real-life stories to explain why these female family antagonisms have a special power to hurt and offers practical strategies to help restore relationships and reclaim lives.

"Going home for the holidays? If so, you may witness versions of gossip, exclusion and other hurtful behaviors: the meddling mother who can't believe your son dropped out of college, or the sinister sister-in-law locked in competition to prove her children are brighter, smarter, better behaved and more attractive than yours," said Dellasega. "In my work with women caught up in the maelstrom of relational aggression, some of the most emotional -- and intractable -- stories I hear involve female relatives."

Dellasega has conducted research on female relationship issues and relationship aggression, a form of bullying by girls and women. Her books are: "Mean Girls Grown Up," "Surviving Ophelia: Mothers Share Their Wisdom in Navigating the Tumultuous Teenage Years," "The Starving Family" and "Girl Wars: Twelve Tried and True Strategies for Ending Adolescent Aggression."

Female family feuds involve a special brand of Relative "RA" (relational aggression) that can hurt more than the barbs of a seventh grade girl ever did, according to the researcher.

"After all, your relatives are supposed to love you unconditionally -- what does it say about you if they don't?” she noted. “There's all the potential ammunition they have against you, including the gritty details of your disastrous first marriage and the times your children behaved badly, especially in 1990 when your firstborn broke your mother's priceless glass figurine."

The drive to preserve family ties, even when those connections aren't so positive, is called kin keeping. No matter what disputes arise among those in attendance, the show will go on as it has for generations.

To ease stress and anxiety prior to the holidays, the Penn State researcher suggests creating a plan that circumvents female family feuds: review and revise your expectations; take a look at your own behavior and avoid triggering aggression; avoid too much food, alcohol and togetherness; keep the focus away from yourself; and remember that the holiday will end soon.

However, Dellasega believes in the best of women and girls, noting, "It's a stereotype to say women are naturally mean. If anything, we long to connect and have positive relationships, especially with female family members."

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