Cold Turkey

Hi James,

The main thing that works is consistency. As hard as it is to listen to your daughter cry, the moment you give in, is the moment you have to start over. Stay firm.

I urge you to be cautious with allowing your daughter to sleep in your bed on a regular basis. She has already figured out that she can substitute the pacifier with "sleep time with Mom and Dad". I had that same problem after I became a single mother when my daughters were 2 and 4. It was just easier to let them sleep with me than to endure the crying when I put them to bed.

What worked for me was this: I instituted a regular bedtime routine. When it was time for my girls to go to sleep, I'd give them a great big hug and a kiss and say "Good Night". Then I'd tell them that I would check in on them in 1 minute. I walked out of the room and waited one minute ... ignoring the crying. At 1 minute, I'd open the door and say, "I'm checking in on you as I promised. I'll check on you in 3 minutes" I then closed the door and timed myself. At 3 minutes, I'd repeat the process ... this time saying I'd check in on them in 5 minutes. I kept increasing the number of minutes in between the 'check-ins'. Believe me, your daughter WILL get tired enough to go to sleep ... and with continued assurance that you keep your promises, she will know you are "there for her" even if she doesn't get her way.

If you keep this up, within one week (I promise), with extended timeframes for the "check-ins", your daughter will realize that you and your wife ARE in control and that you do love her. She will begin to go to sleep without crying.

Best of wishes to you and your wife,
~Jeanne

I commend your strong front! My son, who turned two in October, still uses the pacifier at night and at naptime. He almost never asks for it otherwise (long drives are an exception, as are times when he's not feeling good). We've taken a different route, though. So, I thought I'd offer that perspective. Giving up the pacifier seems like a preference for parents, rather than a "milestone" for children. After talking to a number of moms in the neighborhood who have chosen all sorts of ways to pacifier elimination, we opted to give the "only at night and naptime" more time... For him, it seems to be a comfort. He gave up baby food and bottles early, he's cool with leaving his blankie in the crib and he understands when I tell him that the pacifier was left at home or in the car. But, I don't mind that he seems to want the pacifier for comfort, since I know he doesn't need it and I don't feel like there's much harm--at this point--in allowing him that bit of comfort. A number of moms told me that as their children started to identify more with their older playmates (or just got older in general), they voluntarily gave up the pacifier. This seemed to happen anytime between 2.5yo and 3yo. I guess I don't see the harm in not taking the pacifier away at such a young age. If your daughter isn't even taking a sippy cup, is that more pressing an issue than the pacifier? It doesn't seem to bother you as much. I'm genuinely curious as to why.