A THOUGHT ON WORKING VS NON-WORKING MOTHERS

I am the primary wage earner in our household. I NEVER imagined that would be the case. Turns out I'm just better at managing my career and am fairly successful in my career while my husband is not as much. I really do love my job and get a lot out of it both financially and emotionally. But even after 12 + years, I still feel the pull of wanting to be able to spend more time and energy on my children. That's when I get resentful. If I had been part of the Pew poll, I would've said I would prefer to work Part-time, though the reality is that is not an option. We live in a world where societal norms are such that women mother, men work out of the home and bring home the wages, which also doesn't help feelings of guilt, inadequacy, etc. I also believe, (throwing gasoline on the fire), generally speaking, women have stronger ingrained urges towards childcare than do men.

I agree it is so true that women need to start taking fiscal responsibliities for themselves. I have a good friend with 2 master's degrees, who has been a stay-at-home mom for the last 7 years. Obviously a good, valid choice that worked for her and her family. However, now she is thinking of leaving her husband and believes she can't because she says "i'm not employable". This is a highly educated women, who, prior to childrearing worked in finance for a major DOW JONES listed company. But she truly believes she couldn't get a job. Sadly, I live 400 miles away from her, and didn't see this happening. Obviously this has been put on her by her husband, and those around her who have made her feel that being a mommy is the only thing she is capable of doing. and I am NOT undermining the importance of being a mom, or of being a SAHM. But seriously..what is happening to women today that they feel unable to support themselves?

I'm sorry for your loss.

If I had a Top 10 list of reasons why I work, I'm not sure the death/divorce contingency would be on there. Reason being, I (carelessly) don't picture that in my future. And I think that's your point - that women need to be better planners. My reasons for working are mostly positive - intellectual stimulation, balance, money, etc.

Compare and contrast to my neighbor, who used to teach. She quit when she had her daughter. Now she has no positive reason to work - no interest in it whatsoever, and financially it doesn't make a lot of sense because teachers don't make much $. However, she enrolled in an online class to keep up her educational certification (which requires continuing education). She told me point blank she enrolled in the class solely to plan for the divorce/death contingency, and she only signed up for it at her husband's urging. The epilogue is that she dropped out of the class.

From this, I draw the conclusion that one needs a positive reason to be a working mother; planning for a contingency that may or may not materialize is not enough of a motivation. After all, work is a big commitment. If you don't want to do it and financial circumstances don't require it, then it's probably not going to happen.

I feel secure in my marriage, but I'm not the least bit offended by what you are saying. I agree with you, wholeheartedly. Right now (and for the last four years since I married) I am the primary breadwinner in our little family. It's likely that within three to five years, my husband's earnings will surpass mine and grow much faster after that. It's fairly certain I could (financially) work just a few days a week, or maybe freelance, in five years. But even so, and even as we think of having a second child, I cannot imagine not working. It's not just because I love my work and enjoy my career or because we can't quite afford for me to not work (at least not if we want to save for college and retirement); I do worry about the future. You never know what can happen and I have seen too many Lifetime movies and Oprah specials (well, clips of them... I don't get to watch too much TV) that feature women whose spouses left unexpectedly or died, leaving them in a financial black hole. And last month, a friend who returned to school for a masters (paid for through a grant), with her husband's full support (financial and otherwise) came home to find her house half-empty and her husband gone. He later told her she was on her own, he wasn't paying anymore bills and that was that. I never want that to happen to me. And, you know, I do love my career. To make more time for my child, I'll just push for more flexible hours and some work-at-home time. But I wouldn't do anything to put myself in the situation your friend (or mine) finds herself in right now.

First of all, so sorry about your loss. This post is eerily reminiscent of things my father said to me growing up - you don't want to have to rely on anyone else for your financial well-being. And, this same situation as your friend happened to one of my mother's friends. I have seen how scary it can be. But I really always wonder, illness aside, how do you NOT see divorce or separation coming? I never got that. While your post topic is not one of the main reasons I currently work, it does linger in the back of my head.

The original story had the woman reducing to 4 days per week, presumably to maintain her passion for her work. She eventually quit because she felt "mommy tracked".

If women and men embraced the idea of sharing breadwinning, (and other aspects of parenthood)the next step may have been the man downsizing his career as well. Both parents had good salaries and high power jobs. I expect these 2 parents each earning 80% of their full time salary would be more than one parent earning a full time pay check.

This may be what the marriage partnership looks like in a few years. In addition to the financial security of the family, an understanding of each parent's contributions can build the kind of intimacy that may lead to more successful unions.

I can only hope!

Thank you for posting on this. I have seen this happen too many times to count. I am very fortunate, but this is a good reminder nonetheless.

GREAT post! I'm reading a book right now called The Feminine Mistake that touches on the very issue you've raised here. I completely agree with what you are saying.

While I'm still a few months away from giving birth to our first child, I have already decided that I will return to work. I don't plan on anything happening to my marriage, or to my husband, but I think that it makes sense for me to remain self-sufficient, and to contribute financially to our family. Also, I think that our child may have an easier time with becoming socialized if in daycare. It will not be easy I'm sure, but I think it's the best choice for me and for our family.

I too am the primaty wage earner in the family but can't or won't walk away from my family sufficiently to pierce the glass ceiling. I walked away from a better position than I have now because my management responsibilities conflicted with my family's needs. But I resent the fact that I need to work and that my work is not acknowledged (and sometimes other claim credit for it). I resent the fact that I have little job security. And I resent the fact that, at 51 and a professional with an impressive resume, I have little or no mobility.

I fully understand any woman who drops out - not many of us (in my experience) have the personality and support systems necessary to survive at the top; many of us just don't feel the price is right.

I am fighting to get back to my career after 15 years; with limited free lance to show for that time. (I have a special needs child.) Don't quit unless you truly must - and a car or vacation house payment isn't a 'must' - and then take part-time. Keep your wage-earning skills current and don't quit.

Too many times, we as women get comfortable in our relationship, and we are the one whom have to decide. I was in this situation 13 years ago, I was much younger and seen my marriage unfold. I was always a worker, matter of fact, I made more than my husband back then. I left him when my children were much younger, all because he was having an affair with his co-worker, eventually married her after we receive our divorce. I left, reeducated myself, the struggle was very hard, for one young, unexperience as a mother, an as a single parent. But today, I reap the benefit, because now, I'm in my master program, with a great paying job, I have a daughter in college, and 2 in high schools, and now he is struggle with his brand new wife,both have no jobs, with their five kids, it does not paid to be nasty, however, it does paid to be smart, wise and stay on top of your game. Never Quit, because you married, always refresh yourself, when you have the moment. You will thank yourself, in the long run.

I have to say that this article really hit homw wtih me because I am a stay at home mom. I recntly got hired at a Salon working a schedule that had me out of the home for 30 hours a week. I was so excited to be back in the work force and feeli proud of my accomplishment. My children are 3 and 1 and I was having some difficulty adjusting to the idea of having to put them in care, but u;timately I felt what I could do to help benefit the family outweighed the guilt of sending them to care. Then I looked into just how much it would cost to send my two kids to day care. I was shocked to find out that even with help from my local government paying a percentage of the costs, I would make no where near what I would be paying out to the daycare. I was stricken with a powerless feeling. I was resentful, that I couldn't be in a job that put me in a more slef rrelient position... and I had no thoughts on divorce. I just wanted to secure a better future for myslef and my family through adding to our income. I guess I assumed, that my ambition would be enough to carry me, but the truth is, until your kids are school aged, you are essentially made to be financially incapable. I may try to work from home, but I have a host of things I still have to work out, just to make it within my marriage, I can't imageine, trying to do this all alone.

can u submit me with an essay of four(4) paragraph regarding the following subject:
=WORKING MOTHERS VERSUS NON WORKING MOTHERS=

THANKS AND REGARDS

Jessica B

You hit the mark when you said

"I guess I assumed, that my ambition would be enough to carry me, but the truth is, until your kids are school aged, you are essentially made to be financially incapable?"

%100 True

hmmmmmmmmmmmm, think u have all forgotten to think about the childrenin these posts. what is best for them also otherwise why have them in the first place.......