One and Only?

I am 44 and had my first and only child when I was 42 (she is 21 months old). People ask me all the time if I am going to have another one and I have to say I can't fathom the thought, at least with our present situation. We live in the city and have a very small 4th floor walk-up (a challenge in itself with the needs of a baby and now a toddler). We take our daughter to daycare 5 days a week so our schedule is pretty full and our existence is physically challenging! Even as a runner who fancied herself in pretty good shape before giving birth (I have not returned to running as I once knew it....that would be an entirely new blog in my opinion) the physical challenges of lifting a stroller up and down subway stairs day in and day out and hauling laundry and groceries up 65 stairs (Hello, Fresh Direct) make the thought of another baby pretty much out of the question. I would maybe consider it if I didn't work full time or if I worked from home part of the week.....I simply have loved being a mom. I have to add that my partner has an 8-year old who we have with us every other weekend so I consider myself a stepmom at the same time. So I feel I get the best of both worlds: my daughter has a sibling she adores, I get to enjoy raising two kids (one part time), and I only had to endure one pregnancy. I'll quit while I'm ahead.

Hi Lauren,

my daughter is 5 and a half, and I'm 37, so this question is also on my mind. For me, the pull to have a second child is mostly emotional... and the pull to stop at one is something I frame in terms of my values. I value the planet's future, and I want to participate in slowing down population growth enough that there are possibilities of healthy life on Earth for seven generations from now. (Before I ever got pregnant, I read a wonderful book by Bill McKibben called "Maybe One" which stayed with me in terms of my environmental values.) I value spending time with my husband, and my parents, and my aging grandparents -- and while I know a second child would bring them great joy, it would also, at least in the short term, lead me to focus more time on the infant and less on the others already in my life.

My husband and I are starting to joke playfully about the possibility of a second, though we are not yet ready to begin actively trying to conceive. If we get to that stage, and if we face any problems conceiving, I will not push that issue. No IVF or any of that for me. We might consider adoption, instead.

I too have a mound of infant stuff still sitting in the basement, though I periodically lend it out to my doctoral students who are expecting babies. Last month I gave away our infant stroller, our umbrella stroller, our cosleeper, our high chair, our infant bathtub, and some other items, and I didn't really feel a twinge about it -- so perhaps I really am emotionally ready to stop at one. And yet this is not a choice that I can just make one day, and then we're done thinking about it -- for at least the next year, I'll be thinking about it at least once a week, if not every day.

My son just turned 2 and I can't stop thinking about having a second child. I know it sounds crazy - I met a woman who works full time outside the home, as I do, at the grocery store. You know that mad dash after work - leaving with a guilty feeling that you aren't doing enough for work but you are going to be late to pick up your child who has already put in a 9 hour day at daycare - rushing to get to the store, figuring you'll decide on something for dinner while you are there. Anyway this woman was juggling her two kids - when the older one pinched her HARD for not letting her buy candy and the toddler in the cart wouldn't sit down. She told me 'Don't Do It!'

My husband runs his own law practice so he works a lot and I have obtained an interesting, well paying job with some influence in the tech industry. We waited until our 30s to have kids. So it is already a struggle to find time for everything - especially for myself. Plus we are so tired with a bamino that doesn't require much sleep!

But my childhood best friend just had her second and she's a doctor. My closest friend is pregnant with her second, my boss is trying for her second, my sister-in-law is trying for her second. I am surrounded and I suppose the pressure is on!

I have such intense feelings for my son that I know if he is an only child I will smother him. He is already having trouble sharing at day care, he has gotten in trouble numerous times for biting. He's fine with his cousin or our friend's children.

I feel like a second child would divert some of that focus - he would learn how to share and have a partner to commiserate about his parents with. Plus he would have someone to always hang out with on rainy days - fighting or not!

Plus we lost my husband's father last year and his brother meant so much to him during that process. There was someone to share that loss with completely - I was there for him but I didn't have that history or that shared experience. I know I've learned a lot from my sister and feel that my life has been enriched by that experience.

Also having more than one child gives us overachiveing parents more than one chance to get it right! (Although I think so far I am batting 1000 with this one!)

I think we will try for a second later this year - I am not going to go as far as artificial insemination or IVF - if we can't get pregnant organically then it wasn't meant to happen.

I am torn. As both an only child and an oldest child (two younger half sisters), I see the benefits of both. But my reasons are selfish: I don't want to be a stay-at-home. I love the balance we have achieved as a family. I am terrified of disrupting the Jenga game of our lives. I don't want another baby. But I am melancholy at the loss of my daughter's babyhood, the absence of that sibling relationship for her, the missed opportunity for us as parents. I mourn those things, because I have pretty much decided (though my husband has not). Still, there are piles of baby things that wait, undiscarded, testing my resolve.

I am 38 and have two kids, ages 6 and 4. My second child was an "accident," and in fact when I found out I was expecting I was kind of upset. I had just gotten the art of parenting figured out, or so I thought, and things were humming along very smoothly. I was even happy to be back to my normal pre-pregnancy size. Then I found out #2 was coming along. My ambivalence continued for quite a long time into the pregnancy. I was worried about having "enough" love for two kids...what I would do it if it were a boy (my first was a girl and felt I "got" girls better than boys)...how my work would adjust (I worked three days a week at a magazine, and it was perfect with one kid, but how would it work with two?)...and even the state of my marriage, which was not great. Ultimately, my second daughter was born just 22 months after our first. I was definitely stressed at the beginning. I remember one awful day early on when I was caring for a not-even two-year-old and a newborn, and i found myself yelling at the newborn for crying. For crying! What kind of a mother was I? The irrationality and even cruelty of my action hit me like a two-ton bomb. My newborn daughter stared back at me with huge blue eyes, not seeing much, but yet seeing everything. I suddenly fell in absolute and crazy love with my new baby. We haven't looked back since. It's been a blast. It's been a ton of work -- my marriage ultimately did fall apart and I got divorced, but I am 100% convinced that had nothing to do with having two kids vs. one. My daughters fight sometimes, but most of the time they're like two peas in a pod. One could not imagine life without the other. They've been around each other for as long as either can remember, literally. The nights when they pitch their sleeping bags on the floors of their bedrooms across the hall from each other, crack the doors open just enough to see each other, and fall asleep trading secrets and giggles are my best nights, the nights I most feel like I have succeeded in bringing each together. Twice as much work? Sometimes. But worth it, every day.

And I thought 3 was the new 2! I've had plenty of people ask me if I was going for a third. And since my husband is the youngest of eight, having a larger family has certainly come up. In the end, it is always a very personal decision, and having mixed feelings comes with the territory. As the mother of one at this point, you know all the pros and cons of pregnancy, child rearing, and trying to balance it all. Yet, sometimes the choice isn't even yours. I had miscarriages before each of my two, so maybe if those pregnancies had worked out we would have had 3 or more kids, who knows. Anyone who has had medical challenges with a child is perfectly sane in wondering about going for a second one. And there is a lot to be said for having some marriage time and normalcy in your life for awhile. I couldn't imagine what our life would be with one child when we were married a year. And when pregnant with my second I still couldn't imagine how our family would be with a second personality in it. So we had two and yes, when they were very young it was a crazy life that has settled in a bit now that they are in elementary school. Last night, with all of 4 of us strewn across one bed having a tickle fest, I wouldn't change it for the world. But I also don't think I want to roll the genetic dice again for a possible third.

Miscarriages are a whole other (albeit verboten) topic, and one I'd like to blog about soon. I actually had one, too, while I was in the process of getting hired at BusinessWeek. I'm not sure if I would have taken the job here if I was pregnant. (I did plan to bring up my pregnancy if I was offered a position.) In the end, nature made the decision for me.

But since you aren't supposed to make a pregnancy public until the second trimester, I felt very alone and unable to talk about my loss with most people--especially my new colleagues. Luckily, I have a very supportive family, as well as friends.

By the time I got pregnant again (about 10 months later), I had a great support system in place at my new job.

I think it is just so hard to close the door on having more children. I have 3 kids now (ages 7, 5, and 1), and I am struggling with saying that I am done. It is not very practical for us to have a 4th child, and I've had 5 miscarriages along the way so that is a very real possibility if we try again. But I still can't bear the thought of giving away all of the baby items I've packed up. Baby stuff is just way too cute! And I loved being pregnant and feeling the baby move inside of me. I'd love to have another baby, but do I really want another child? Probably not. Coming from a family of 7 kids, it is hard for me to imagine my daughter growing up without a sister. Luckily she has cousins that live close by. That will have to do.

I am completely torn myself as well as my husband on the question of having another baby or not. We have a beautfiful 15 month old that is the biggest joy of our lives and the most challenging at the same time. I'm 38 and can't really wait too much longer to make a decision but I would rather enjoy our son more before inviting another life into ours. We know, if left up to us individually that we would not have another. We're very selfish with our time together as couple and as a family, it's the three of us against the world. I had a very bad pregnancy and horrible post pardum and dread the thought of going through it all again. I've started to convince myself it's chic to just have one, more cosmopolitan. If we have another we would be doing it soley for him, so he'll have someone on his team if and when we're not around. Someone to go to his graduations, wedding, birthday parties, have nieces or nephews and an extended family with. Afterall my husband and I both come from families with 3 other siblings,and for good or for bad, we love them and enjoyed great childhoods, should we deny our little one the same? I'm just so torn. I'm afraid of how crazy our life might become and how little time we'll have for one another and I'm afraid of wishing for the days when it was just us three again. I know I'll desperately love a second baby as much as the first but I'm afraid of losing the life we have now. We seem to have finally hit our stride as the baby turned one. Turn our life upside again? I am just so crazy torn up about this.

I am 22 years old, and have been married for almost 3 weeks. Perhaps I am a bit naive on the subject of children, but I absolutely cannot imagine having less than 3 children. I grew up with 3 siblings, and my husband with 2. We both agree that we want more than what we had. I cannot imagine my life without my two sisters and my brother. We all have such different personalities, but we're so similar. We have so many fond memories together, going sledding in the dead of winter, going on family vacations (driving of course instead of flying), visiting cousins and relatives, staying up late and sharing secrets, etc. I absolutely would never want to deprive my children of any of these experiences. There is something to be said about the closeness of sisters (or brothers for that matter) that last a lifetime. Life is such a precious gift! Children require a lot of work, but all I have to say is I'm sure glad my mother decided to have the third child- me!

Well Nature decided for me. At the age of 21 I found out I was expecting twins! One boy and one girl who are now 16 months old. Our problem is do we go for a third? Some people think we're nutty to even consider it, but I just don't feel done. Oddly enough I might have felt different had I only had one child but I will never know. When you've got two though what's one or two more!? Nothing can be harder work than twins (ok maybe triplets or more) so I think I'm prepared. That's the conclusion we're coming too anyway.

Hi Lauren,

I was reading your article and it was just like if I wrote it. I am 35 years old and I have a wonderful 32 month old boy. Every day I think about if we should or not have another child. My husband said he is fine with any decision I make (since I am the one taking care of the child 24\7), I just don't know if emotionally I can handle it, or want to do it all over again... My son had little problems when he was younger (febrile seisure, lots of ear infections, etc...) and also a ton of energy (much more than I did). I miss working and being around other people. We like to travel a lot and my parents and sisters don't live in US (one child would be easier to go everywhere).
I love having my sisters so I always wonder if he will be missing something (I am not sure - I have many friends that are the only child - the "girls" seem to miss much more than the "boys" do about having a brother or sister)
I think we will give a couple of years to think about it, but right now we will just stay with the one he have (meanwhile we keep everything in the garage :)

Good luck and all the best for all of us !

I am 37 and am 5 days late with my period. My husband and I had just decided to wait until spring to starting working on #2. I've been stressed for that last few weeks regarding the decision whether to have 2 or 1, to wait or not, and so I don't know if the stress is contributing to my late period. Anyhow, can anyone share how they coped with work and their 2nd child? I work part-time, 3 days per week now. My parents watch our 11 month other daughter. I'm trying to figure out if I could still work part time. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks. Donna.

I am 49 year old single Mom and I have a nine year old son. Unfortuantly, I miscarrried twins six weeks before becoming pregnant with my son. It was the boy and girl that I had always wanted.Since I was a high-risk pregnancy with my son and was already 39 then, I knew or was pretty sure that I was done with having children. I applaud women and men that have more than one child-but its not for me. I adore my son and have love being a Mom(every minute of it) but its hard to do everything by yourself without a partner to share in the child's life. My son's dad and I are divorced and he remarried and had another child. I chose to remain single for many reasons. My ex-husband comes around to see our son when its convenient and when his present family doesn't have something planned-which they usually do.I don't care that he remarried but the part I have trouble with is that his youngest child seems to take priority over my son. I know this is probably to keep peace with his present wife. But this is so unfair to our nine year old son. I have had other people suggests to me to get my son involved in sports so that he can spend time with another male role model-but it seems that the coaches also have their own families. I see the sadness in my son when he asks when is he going to see his dad and it breaks my heart-to say the least. I have tried to talk with my ex-husband about this issue and he always blows me off with a comment that the youngest child is to young to understand why dad is away-but our son should understand about this. My son and I are very close but he is very much a man's boy. Has anybody got any suggestions or ideas about this blended family situation?

I'm 28 and have decided that one is enough. My son is two and my husband actually was the one to make the decision final by having a vasectomy. There are so many things that we as children never got to do or see because of low income and large family size that we just don't want the same for our child. There are plenty of things we want to do with him, too that we just couldn't afford with two children, such as travel and extras, like sports and such. I hope everyday that we made the right choice and that he will not be lonely but I think he will make friends and form close relationships. As for who he will have after my husband and I are gone, well, I intend to see him married off to a good woman before I go!

Lauren,

I am 45 and have a 22 year old son. He is an only child and I have struggled with the decision to have one child for all of those 22 years. When he was 3 years old, his father and I toyed with the idea of having another one, but for a couple of reasons (I work full time and have since he was born, and we have a VERY small home) we didn't do it. I started taking anti-seizure meds in in the early 90's and that kind of made the decision for us due to side effects. I talk to him about the fact that he doesn't have a sibling and he assures me that he is perfectly content. Of course, he knows no different so doesn't have anything to compare it to, and has always had all of our attention which he enjoys. He is my life and I would give mine for his in a heartbeat. I on the other hand, have two brothers and our parents are deceased. When this happens, sometimes the greed of dividing up an estate can cause a family to split which it did in my case. People say and do things that can't be taken back. I have one brother which I no longer associate with and never will again. So, I tell my husband that our son is lucky in that respect, that when something happens to us, our son won't have to worry about ending up hating his sibling. Everything we have, even though it isn't alot, will go to him. My only hope is that he marries a girl that has siblings and they open their hearts to him.

I have just started fitting in my old clothes, just started getting some more time to myself and i have discivered that I am pregnant.
Selfishly I know I dont want another kid. But its such a hard decisoin to make.
You cant have a kid just because you are pregnant
Agreed that was foolish, stupid, etc...but now how can u really choose without being gulity for rest of your life

Hello
Im 31 years old, married with a two year old girl.
I had a miscarriage three years ago, now i'm truly worried and emotional drained about having another one, i get asked so many times through the week to have another one soon before it's to late, i had such a hard labour, it took more than a year to recover and still have problems due to the birth. i ask myself everyday should i go through this again due to the fact that i have had alot of digestive issues i have dealt with over the years, i know i would have to deal with more pain after another kid, would i have the energy to take care of two kids, people tell me i'm being selfish, but alot of people don't know all the health problems i have. i truly don't want the next child to suffer i truly love being a mom, i know deep down i'm so blessed and think to myself i'm truly content with a family of three
i need to enjoy the time with my daughter and try not to listen to others as we are all different, the world i think would be so boring if we all wanted the same things.

I am 29 years old and have a 2 year old son. I'm still in the process of deciding whether or not to have another child but I'm starting to think that I'll just stick with one.I am a journalist so my son and I travel all over the world,we are very close and I could not imagine doing all of this with 2 kids: finacially or emotionally. At the end of the day it is all about what fits your lifestyle.

I feel your pain. I am 35 and the mother of a 3 year old daughter. She will be 4 in March. I am debating on having another one. The closest in age they will be is over 4 and 1/2 years. I have 2 other siblings and I had a great childhood, but even though we experienced the same things growing up, our perceptions are different. So, I don't know if my sisters had as good a childhood as I. My husband, on the other hand, was an only child until he was 14. And even then his dad and stepmother did not include him in their family. He spent his junior high and high school years living with his grandparents. Even now, over 20 years later, his relationship with his dad is strained. He is just fine having only one child. What I find though is that, emotionally, boys and girls are different (duh). What I mean is that boys may not have the emotional ties that come with siblings. Please correct me if I'm wrong. My OB/Gyn is an only child and she warns about having only one child. She was 40 something when she had number 2. But, again she is a female and being an only child was harder on her. More so in her adult years. When her parents died, she had nobody to talk to. Friends and cousins are great, but not when it comes to reminiscing about the parents. Would she feel different if she were a boy? Very possibly, because boys are different emotionally. And they react differently to painful and stressful situations. If I had a son, I might not be so adament about having another child. Good luck on this decision. Hopefully, it will be one both you and your husband can make together.

I am 33 and have an almost 2 year old. I had an absolutely horrible, traumatic pregnancy, but was very lucky that we ended up with a wonderful, healthy little boy. I never contemplated having one child until my pregnancy difficulties, but I simply do not know if I can go through that experience again. Add to that my husband I both have demanding careers that we love, and we seem to have a good thing going now. So sometimes I think we could be happy just the three of us. But I don't know . . . I am afraid we will smother our son without another child (my husband shows signs of that already), and I hate the idea of him not having a sibling, even though having a sibling can be challenging, too (I had a special needs sibling, which is an entirely different relationship). It's all kind of up to me now. My husband has no interest in adoption, which I would like to consider, and says he could be fine with one. If I said I was willing to try and endure another pregnancy, he would be on board. But I just don't know. We are so blessed with what we have, but I feel like it will be a lonely existence for my son, and maybe us, without another child. I don't know how or when I will be able to make this decision--I think about it every day. I just keep hoping one day I will know what is right for us. Life rarely turns out as we planned. . .

I am a 23 year old mother of two, who works full time, and goes to school full time and i still have pleanty time in a day to spend with my children. I have recently found out that we are expecting number 3 and our baby isn't even 5 months old yet. I couldn't be more excited! We have taken our children on vacations and in a couple of years we want to go to disney land. I am very passionate about haveing several kids, because I was an only child and I hated it more than anything. My parents worked full time and that didn't bother me at all, what bothered me what the fact that on family vacations there was no one my age and I was always bored, at home there was no one to play with except me, and i vowed that i would never have just one. I am hopeing to be a stay at home mom once i finish school, I am going to school to be a teacher and I work at a day care right now. SO have only one child for me was not an option.

I had a horribly traumatic pregnancy, that came with bleeding, placental problems, too much flid, detachment of the placenta, bed rest, single umbilical artery, pre-mature labor and ever other horrible thing you can think of I had it, so I was mortified to find out that I was expecting again. I miscarried early on, but I had two very normal pregnancies after my horrile one so don't always think about the worst.

To All Moms of One Child;

I was only blessed with one child. We tried so long to have another that we even gave up adopting because the age difference would create 2 only children! Here is what I found worked well for us. Friends. Encourage friendships. Our daughter was in every group activity I could find if she enjoyed it! How about cousins around the same age? Going on vacation - yup, make certain you bring a friend or a relative the same age..otherwise it truely is not fair to make them follow you around. We had a cousin spend a summer w/us around the same age and my daughter was begging us to send her home by the 2nd month! Most importantly be commited to your decision and be certain to remind them of all the wonderful things they have (including your love and time) that they would have to share with a sibling. Oh by the way, I have two brothers myself and all we did as children was fight..as adults we rarely see each other. Really and truely it could be a lot worse in your mind than it actually is. Just remember to be fair and make sure that he/she has a friend or you must be willing to act the part (hey, it can be fun).

My husband and I are in the process of deciding on #2. We have a 3 year old son currently, and my husband is very content on stopping at one. Our son was a very difficult colicy baby, and even at 3 years old, he is still very high maintenance. I quit my job when he was 10 months old to stay at home with him. I do miss working, but cherish my time with him. I have terrible insomnia and wonder if I could even handle another one, and wonder how good of a mother I would be to two of them after my typical sleepless night. I feel so blessed to have my son, and we can do so much with him being our only child. The vacations, the sports, the best preschool....things we never had growing up. And my husband and I are able to maintain an actual relationship and we manage to have time to ourselves fairly often. However, all of the baby stuff is stored up in the basement, awaiting my final decision, which I cannot bring myself to make. I torture myself over this decision daily. I grew up with two younger brothers, and my husband has one younger brother. I can't imagine my life without my brothers...but will my son miss what he has never known? And I have always wondered if I would someday regret stopping at one? When he is grown and married and has kids of his own - will I wish then that I had another one to come and visit me? Or do all mothers someday wonder if they should have had one more, regardless of if they stopped at one or five?

I have chosen to have one child. I know it is the best decision for my family. However, the people beating the drum for me to have another child because she will be all alone are driving me nuts. I do not want another child so please shut-up!!!!!!

My husband and I are toiling with the idea of maybe two. But we're older and are scared of high risk issues due to our age. Plus, my husband and I have as yet to have our second wedding anniversary. We met "late." So I feel like we're still getting to know each other. Plus, truly, my husband and I are best friends and even our one daughter, now four months, has made our personal time together all but vanish. She's only now becoming less work wherein at least now we get a few minutes together each night before I must go to bed.

But I miss the idea of another. No necessarily for her, since my relationship with my sister is horrible, but more for me. Another person to love, to cherish. It makes me sad thinking of all the unborn children we have waiting for life that we would be choosing not to bring into this world.

Yet there's the reality. I was hurt in a car accident years ago and the toil of taking care of my daughter is causing lots of physical troubles. And I really am not sure I can physically care for another. Especially due to our age, we can't wait for more time in between to give my body a break.

And then there's the sibling issues. My sister crapped all over me my while life. She was very possessive of my mom's time. So she literally and figuratively kicked me around. Still does, even though she's edging 50! And I don't want that for my daughter. She's happy and content and loved so utterly. I don't want to hear fighting and yelling and screaming and hating. Oh, the hate! Sometimes all siblings do for you is give you an enemy for a lifetime.

So, alas, what to do? My husband is more emotionally bent on one. He's not good at turmoil. His childhood was horrid, not due to siblings but an abusive mom and non-existent dad. So to him quiet it good. Means no fighting.

But our past does not dictate our daughter's future.

But, yet, I don't want to spoil this nirvana she has now. I want us to be the three musketeers. And since my husband is more the quiet kind I'm fearful that possible turmoil brought by another could just do him in.

Sigh.............

But how do you say goodbye to those unborn children? To who they could have been? Like when our parents sat around deciding to have us. What if they had not? All the wonder and joy you are robbing that little creature of, to see the sun, to hear laughter, to feel a mother's kiss. These are magical things and to take an unborn child to be and bring them to this world and give them such love - what a gift. What a permanent powerball.

There is no better gift than life. And if you have the ability to make it a magical experience....do so, do so to the best of your ability. That little face, those little hands, deserve your gentle introduction into this most amazing ride.......... called life........

By the way, to all parents fantisizing about great sibling relationships that their child may miss out on being an "only," it is fiction.

What do I mean?

On a mom's board there was a posting wherein a mom asked "How do I get my girls to be friends?" There was lots of advice but there was an essential core of the issue not addressed. And that is that, if you have more than one child, regardless of how you handle them, they are individuals and will make up their own minds whether or not they will get along.

You cannot force friendship on siblings. No matter how fair or loving. Siblings, broken down, are individuals. Being related doesn't mean you will have common interests, common values, common personalities, that you will have anything in common that would forge a bond. You just happen to be related to each other. Period.

My Dad often preaching to me about getting along with my siblings. I remind him of his lacking relationships with his own. He scowls. But, regardless, the point is made.

The only benefit which can be derived by having siblings is that there is another pulse in the house. Though, sometimes you wish you could calm that pulse. !

So, when making such a decision, if you had brothers and sisters and get along and think, awe, wouldn't it be great to give the same relationships know this - you can't. Your child is your child. Any potential future siblings will be, ta da, themselves. You cannot forge anything by having another.

The only thing you do do is provide a live in opportunity for a friend. A built in unit, as it were. That's it.

I come from a family of four children. I spent a good portion of my time with my brother, never with my sisters. Later in life I still don't see my sisters and my brother has changed dramatically since a divorce. Doesn't spend time with the family anymore. A loner. So, alas, one plus one plus one plus one equals = one.

I am now 39. My best friend is my husband. My daughter, just born, ties. After that comes my mom. After that, my dad.

What's the point? Exactly this. Just by giving birth to a relation doesn't therein create a relationship. I'd say it's about 50/50.

Like one person wrote, what matters most is the parent you are to the child, not the number of children.

And what is to become of your "only" after you're gone? I'm sorry. I'm confused. If you do not have grand relationships with siblings that means your life ends when your parents die? Should all only children just go out and kill themselves now, knowing their life will cease to have value once their parents die, that they are destined for a lonely, sad adulthood filled with emptiness and despair? You are not able to create your own, new family with a significant other? Or perhaps create a family from a host of friends?

You can surround a person with a thousand people. Whether they are happy, sad or indifferent is largely up to the parents. After that, it's up to them. Yes, siblings can add value. I do not deny that. But they add value due to their friendship, not just because they are related to you. Plenty of us have siblings which have no value, as there is no friendship involved.

It is the forging of a genuine friendship that is valuable. And one not need be related to someone to have same.

Do they?

No. The answer is no.

I just love what Kate wrote above about the skewed perception of sibling relationships. We have also been toiling with the idea of a second. We have a beautiful 18 month old daughter,and we too had been set on only having one due to a long and arduous fight with infertility before finally conceiving our daughter by nothing short of a miracle. I was content with one until just recently. I've begun investigating my reasons for why another one,and I'm coming up with some interesting answers. I don't think it's because deep down inside I want another one. It seems that society dictates a lot of our thoughts on how many children to have. It seems that everyone around gasps in horror that we would torture our daughter by making her a lonely only. I really think my reasons for even considering another are from pressures from friends with more than one child mostly,and from the horror stories I have been hearing about how only children grow up lonely and in the end,selfish. I'm so thankful for reading Kate's post above,about sibling relationships. It's allowed me to go back to why we only wanted one,and really make my decision final. I only want one child,because I feel that's what works for us. I grew up with two older sisters,neither of which I have a truly meaningful relationship with. My older sister is 11 years older than me,and my other sister is 4 years older than me,and you're right,we're all individuals that in the end have never been able to see eye to eye. Now that I'm married with my own child,it seems very irrelevant that I grew up with siblings at all. When I think back on it,I highly doubt my adult life with my husband and daughter would be any less fufilling if I had grown up without siblings as an only child. We are in a position both emotionally and financially to have more children,but my deep down personal feelings are that I'm very content with the one that I have. My husband is in agreement. We have a great personal life still with friends and are able to easily go out places with our daughter. In our case,our families fully support our decision to stop at one,considering the ordeal we went through to have her. Thanks again to Kate, if I hadn't read your post,I would never have thought about the sibling connection that you talked about. I no longer believe that I'll be robbing my daughter of the experience of meaningful relationships in her life because she's an only child.

I don't think there are any guarantees that siblings will consciously feel glad or sad that they have each other. It's such an interesting question! My partner and I both feel like we are so glad we had siblings, and we can't imagine our childhoods without them. But there are so many variables. For me, I remember meaningful, intense family vacations, camping trips, holidays, playing with my brother after school, burying "time capsules" in the mud in the front yard and then slinging that same mud from a sling shot...(don't tell my mom!) I also remember fighting with my sister, wanting to be just like her (she's 4 years older), and feeling like the helpless "youngest child". I remember what my parents call the "mutiny" effect, when the 3 kids gathered forces together to wreak havoc on mom and dad's lives. I'm actually tearing up thinking of all this, as I know that although the choice is, certainly, up to the individual to form a bond with his or her sibling(s), I can't imagine not having had the richness of this option. My daughter just turned 4, and damn it, I want to fit into my skinny jeans again!! But maybe that just needs to wait a year or so, (it will happen though, make no mistake : ) Who ever knew these decision would be this hard... : )

Hello, I am 32 years old and I have the most beautiful little 3 and half year old in the world. I became pregnant about a year ago and my husband and I decided to have an abortion. Now, this subject has not come up in the last posts because of its taboo but since this is anonymous, I can say what is the truth. He is going to have a vasectomy as soon as we can afford it since we do not have health insurance right now. Anyway, I want to share my story because I think that it is important for all stories to be heard so that people can learn about their own lives. Anyway, the thing that drove me to do it was that I had such a bad morning (all day) sickness that I had to stop nursing my 2 and half year old and I ended up bedridden and could not take care of my precious daughter. It was so heartbreaking to see her cry at the side of the bed and beg me to get up. I could not do it and I do not have a community and a vibrant family that could take care of my daughter while i lay sick. The abrupt weaning was traumatic enough and I made the decision and it still feels right and i know it will forever. As soon as the abortion was done I felt back to normal and could take care of my daughter. I also learned the value of my time with her even more and I cannot see nursing another child and going through all that i have with her. My pregnancy was great in that I had no health problems and my husband and I educated ourselves about birth and I ended with a natural birth process and it was magical. I felt that I was born as my daughter was, a new person with new responsibilities. I was even going to go back to work to teach college and had everything set to do so but parenting presented a huge challenge to me and I decided to stay home. Everything has been a challenge; everything from talking to in-laws about how I want them to treat her to my own parents and their friends' interactions with her to explaining to her why I would like to have a canoe instead of a big motor boat as it ruins the environment. There are still so many challenges ahead and I want to focus on them; for me bringing another human being into the world is not an option and my husband and i have figured it out and have grown loser because of our shared understanding. However, I respect those who live differently than I do. For me, playing with my child is very important. I climb the play structures and take part in her play, I stay with her after preschool and play with her and her classmates. I try to cook foods that are healthy and organic and entice her eat healthy snacks wherein her best friends eat a lot of candy. I cannot ignore these issues. I need to work on helping her eat healthy and if I had an infant hanging from my boob I would not be able to do that. One day, if we have enough money and time and energy, we might adopt an orphan who is close to her age with whom she can share precious time with but is another challenge on its own and I want to perfect simplicity before anything else. There is so much more to this. But overall, I want to build a community of friends who are in the same wavelength as we are and develop lasting deep friendships in which she can grow. And I like what one mom said about someone to share the burden of parents loss with. Well, I hope she will have a loving partner too.
Let's just hope i can teach her the skills to love and be loved.