Working Single Parent -- Another story

Selfish? Is that even possible as a single parent? I am also a single parent, a single father as a matter of fact. My son is 2 ½ years old and he has put purpose in every step I make. I want to do my very best for him and yes I worry about if I am doing that sometimes. I make a pretty good living but have to commute an hour away to make this living and that worries me sometimes. I have my parents pretty near by in case he gets sick and needs to be picked up and I can’t get to him too quickly. I have virtually no social life but I believe it’s primarily by choice. I am sure if I wanted to I can put myself out there more to prospect but just not on the radar currently. I am always looking for better ways to parent my son and guide him properly and I can tell you this, with out God in my life I am sure I would have a much harder time but my faith keeps me humble, hopeful, and always looking for wisdom in guiding and nurturing my son in the way he deserves. I am open minded and looking for suggestions for you more experienced single parents.

I've just recently become a single parent. I had been married for 5 years and 3 weeks ago, we called it quitthe end of this month. It's doing it alone, but one of our fights was that I just didn't have enough help. ex & I are getting on pretty well - hopefully this won't change. We both decided fighting is not worth it, it's not like either of us want the relationship to continue, and anyway with my son around, I don't want animosity between me and Ex. We have a better relationship now than we've had in the past year.
It would have been more selfish for me to stay in an unhappy relationship. I have bad days - when he doesn't get a bath at night, or those have been few & very far apart. In the past 3 weeks, I've had supper 3 times. I guess that is selfish, when a mother decides she'd rather catch up on sleep than eat supper. I guess it's also selfish for me to not want to financially support a husband on a shoestring budget. It's very selfish for me to decide that it would be esier to have 2 people on a small budget than 3.

There is absolutly nothing selfish about being a single mom. It is probably the hardest yet most rewarding job in the world. I realize there are a lot of people that stay together "for the kids", that in my opinion is selfish. I have created a website http://www.thesinglemommy.com for all single parents that need help.

Being a single mother, 2 times now, I agree with Jen. If the relationship has failed, the "love" is gone, then the happiness has gone as well. If mommy and daddy are not happy, the children will suffer in way or another. The children will survive and thrive. But only, listen up, only, if both parents take an ACTIVE role in the upbringing and well being (both physical and emotional)of the children.

I am a career minded, intelligent woman, that has survived (2) two failed marriages. I have a child out of each marriage. My Ex's both say I was married to the job and to the children; and not to them. Well, I am part of a family business and after 20 years of making less than most of the people in the company, I am now Vice President. I have had to work very hard, go to school, and prove myself in a predominately male industry. All this while raising a family and trying to keep a marriage(s) together, with not much help from the spouse(s).

I don't believe anybody gets married, has children, and intentionally gets a divorce. It happens. I have more freedom (to spend with my kids), more education, and more money (not quite as much as I would like, but who cares) than I had when I was with them. A little more support and patience would have gone a long way. My kids are very loved, and I make sure they know it, everyday. Selfish, I dont think so. It would have been selfish to stay married to someone that did not want to be there.

I think it is best to be a single parent and raising a child by yourself than having a person who is not going to help you with anything while you are with them. single parent is not a selfish act it is something that happens.

How much money are all you making? I am dirt poor even though I work my ass off between two jobs. I am divorced with 2 young boys (ages 3 & 4) and every minute of the day my ex is trying to ruin my life more. He cheats and leaves and I am labelled as the "bitch from hell." No I'm not bitter, I'm mad and hurt... still hurting, not because he left and screwed it all up but because as I live my life for my kids and struggle for them, he gets away with seeing them when he feels like, paying child support when he feels like all the while saying I'm an unfit parent. I can't change my career or advance myself because I don't have the time or money. When I work I'm told I'm wrong because my kids have to do go daycare but if I don't work I will be called lazy and I won't survive. I did not choose to live my life like this, struggling to the ends of the Earth. I did not choose this life of hell for my boys but of course they will suffer and I will be labelled as the unfit bitch. What am I to do? He now has me going to court, losing yet another day of my vacation days that I will of course never get to use (vacation, what the hell is a vacation??) so that he can claim I am unfit and take them away from me. I can't live without my kids and he knows this. There were so many months when he didn't even care to see them or send child support but now he wants to be a responsible parent. GIVE ME A BREAK!!! I have been there for my boys since the beginning and I will be there until I die. Good mothers like me get no breaks while bottom feeders always make it. Would I ever change having my boys.... HELL NO but I would never wish this horrible life I live on anyone. Someone with money can choose to be a single parent... That's your luxury! Be happy you can choose.

You know all these variety of single parent stories are very interesting. No matter how we bacame single parents, whether by choice or other means, majority of our goals is to be providers, comforters and just plain ole good as good can be parents. I say to all the single parents working their buttocks off "GO FOR IT" your doing great and to all the newbies to this game, you can do it too. Stop listening to what society says because society and thier people and their values are changing everyday. Always remember you kids and what life you want them to leave..Trust that you are not alone.
And if you are wondering.. I am a single mom by choice. Came out of an abusive relationship and I strugle with many choices that come up. yep choices. do i sacrifice now or do i sacrifice later, do i go to school and struggle while they are young or do I hold off and barely make it when they get older. How do I keep up with the demand of being a perfect parent that society portrays is out there. the truth be told or more like my own opinion is basically do what you can... give your kids love and communicate with them..never under estimate your children and their ability to understand.
Good Luck and god Bless

I too am a single mother. It was not by choice, my husband left me. I am only 23 and I have a 2 and 3 year old. My ex left me when my youngest was only nine months old. I wouldn't change having my boys. They are my life. I do get stressed sometimes and feel like giving up. My kids are the only thing that keeps me going. My ex made enough money that I did not have to work. He didn't want me to go to college. So it was decided that he would provide and I would stay home with the kids. He left me dirt poor and looking for answers. It took me a long time to get on my feet. But I did. I'm still poor, but by Gods help I am surviving. I am now working, going to college, and trying to find a way to make my boys future better. I am still very bitter. It just doesn't seem fair that he could walk away, only pay child support when he feels like it and still be allowed to have visitation rights every other weekend. Sometimes I feel like I am an awful mother, but when I do, I think of my boys smiling faces and how they wrap their arms around me and tell me they love me. Then, I am reasured that I am doing okay.

I am a single mother as well. I have three children an seven year old girl an three year old son an a two year old son. It is the hardest job in the world but at the same time its the most rewarding. I left to give my children a better future. The father was into drugs and was becoming violent. What good was it for them to stay in that lifestyle. My daughter was starting to sjow out in school and at home. I had to make a choice. I had chose to leave. Not knowing all the hard roads that were ahead I left. Over two years later my daughter is a straight A student and is a very sweet girl. My boys are very well mannered. Thier father is in jail for a long time and I do not recieve any financial support from the state. It has been difficult but when my babies say Mommy I love you it makes it well worth it.

I am a single mom with an 8 year old son. and with no help at all, i am complete on my own. It is very tough to deal with boys as there is no role model, like a father, an uncle, there for him to follow. I feel very stressed out and frustrated most of the time. and sometimes, I feel hopeless. there are happy moments, but they do not pay off the full day toil at work and the time after work pretending to be happy with my son.

I am a single mother of a bright 5 yr old boy. I look at my decision to become a single mother not as selfish & naive but a responsible one. I strongly believe that there are consequences to your actions and you must face up to them. In my case, I had unprotected sex with a long term boyfriend and got pregnant as a result. He did not want to stick around and I was going to do the responsible thing and have that baby. In a lot of ways, it was my decision to become a single parent and I don't regret a minute of it. It has taught me to be a responsible adult and my son has taught me things that are more useful in life than my college education could. It taught me to be more patient, accepting, and not to be so judgemental of anyone in any situation. Sure, there have been very hard times in the last five years. There have been days where I have been disciplined because I had to take off work for my son being really sick and I've had to deal with isolation from friends who didn't understand that it was more important to buy diapers & formula rather than jump on a plane for Las Vegas getaway at the last minute. I've had to make do with going to food banks some months because the paychecks weren't making ends meet and I had to accept help to feed myself and my son. Most of my true friends and loved ones tell me those were the hard times but I see it different. I look at those as the good times too. They made me the mother I am today. I am working to get my Master's Degree and I am in a good career. I don't look at my decision to be single mother as selfish. What would have been selfish is me looking at my situation and thinking that there was no better life for me and drowning in my sorrows. My son tells me every day how proud he is of me and that is worth more to me than all the gold in the world. He is in good daycare and he is so happy when he comes home. He has improved on his academics at school and he loves to learn new things. I've been told by his teachers that he is very independent & bright. I am very proud of that. I work hard to teach him the same things my parents taught me growing up. I hope he looks back at my sacrifices now and learn from them.

I don't know exaclty how i cam across this website, but I am so touched and inspired by some of what you all had to say. While I am not in you all shoes now... I will be. I am 6 months pregnant with a little boy and I will be a single parent. I'm 20 years old and I was engaged to this guy for a while. But the relationship was abusive so I had to leave, because my life was in jepordy. The thing is when I left him,I didn't know I was pregnant and didn't believe because I was told I couldn't have kids.

While my ex is aware I am pregnant we got into another fight while I was 3 months and I dedcided from there 2 lives are worth more than sacrificing for his one. I haven't seen nor heard from him since December. And yes the emotional part has been hard, but it's even harder because when I left, I left behind my job, my school,to have none of that now. And I am so inspired by stories like you all that it helps reassure my faith and hope. Day by day God keep smaking a way for me out of no way. from not having a place to stay to giving that stability and peace I needed. So thank you guys as well for strentgh and words of encouragement. And hope that each and every one of you keep on pressing to the greater and more meaningful things in life

Much Respect and God bless

I stayed with the father of my child during pregnancy, despite being abused, because I was told that to leave him would be selfish. I eventually left when my son was 8 months old, wish I'd left sooner and retained more self-respect and less emotional scars! My son is almost 8 years old now, and although it is lonely being a single parent, it is far better than feeling weak and trapped. Although the opportunities to go out and socialise with friends are not there, freedom lies in self-belief and courage. I work and study hard and try to seek out opportunities for us both to grow. I hear of others adventures and am envious, but know that life is a journey and this stage of my life is teaching me great lessons about love and perseverence! At the end of the day, it is worth it for the chance to show another life the beauty of the world.
Storms lift, Life's a gift.
We are free to be free.

Twelve years ago I was overwhelmed, tired, frustrated and not quite sure I would make it. In fact, there were days I felt as if I hadn't made it.

I not only made it, I made it against all odds. And I wasn't alone. Today, my daughter is 13 yrs old. She is the most incredible kid ever to walk the face of the earth. She walked with me these many years and we faced much together.

Attitude affects perception. That's what I have learned over these many years.

Hi!

So nice to read something from another Single Mother By Choice. I was a member of that organization for some time before I had my lovely daughter. I wouldn't change it for the world.

I remember when I was trying to conceive. A pregnant, married woman asked me if I was being selfish. I told her, "Yes, as selfish as you and your husband are being, bringing a child into this world." She was dumbfounded.

I think anyone who has children, alone or with a partner, is selfish to some extent. Having two parents isn't necessarily better. I'm a great mother, and I love not having to send my daughter the inevitable mixed messsages she would get with two parents and two parenting styles.

Was I wealthy before having her? No! Am I wealthy now? Not yet! Are we struggling? Absolutely. If my parents didn't help us out from time to time, I may have had to work full-time and put her in daycare full-time. Luckily I've been able to grow my home-based writing business, so I can stay with my daughter and still make a living (I'm working on it).

We're poor, money-wise. But my daughter is one of the happiest toddlers most people who've met her have ever seen. She brings joy to strangers, to her family, and I love her with all that I am (and more). Guess that makes us rich.

Honestly, I don't know how women can have children WITH a husband. Seems like too many personalities to deal with. But to each their own. I'm hoping to have a second in the next couple of years (before I get too old). I'm not opposed to getting married one day, if I find the right man. But I'm not waiting for "Prince Charming" before starting a family.

willful single motherhood is child abuse.

Hi im a single mom of 3.I work full time and I barely make ends meet.I have no time to relax no time for myself.Im lucky if i get to take a shower before heading off to work.
Its a day to day struggle just to keep my sanity!
WHY would anyone want to be a single parent by choice is beyond me?

I think gaining understanding for this subject is really important. I personally think that one should gain as much information and knowledge as possible on this topic. The more we know the better we deal in different type of situations. Here is another related page that may be of interest to some, it’s all about being a single parent, here it is http://www.parenting-education-rights.com/index.php

I am a single mother of two very beautiful little boys. They are 5 and 3. I was not married to their father but ina commited relationship or so I thought. When I was 6 months pregnant he decided he didn't want to have a family. I was hurt beyond compare. I spent nights crying not knowing what I was going to do. I had to pack up our son who was barely 19 months old and move in with my grandparents. I signed a lease to my first apartment 21 days after my second son was born. To this day I have gotten into arguments with their father, mostly over money, because he won't do right for our kids. I am now working two jobs and going to school becuase I can't see my children nt having. Neither of them asked to be here. I got tired of asking him to be a father. I am now at the point where I'm filing for custody and child support. In the entire time my children have been living they have spent the night with there father one time. ONE NIGHT. I cry when I think of the situation my kids and I face but it makes me stronger. It makes me fight harder. There is not one day I am not happy with my children. I love them with all my heart and would'nt give them up for anything. It's hard but God finds a way for us out of no way.

I am also a single parent by choice. A selfish act? Absolutely not. One day when my son wants to know why he has no dad I will tell him about all the lengths I had to go to just to bring him into this world and that I love him enough for two parents. Do I feel guilty because there is no dad and I have to work full time? You bet. But that just makes the time we do have together all the more precious. In the meanwhile he gets to spend his days with his grandparents who adore him. We are financially secure and I can afford to send him to the college of his choice. My only regret is not doing it sooner. I'm turning 40 this year and may not be able to give him a sibling!

God bless you

Hi everyone, soon ill be a single mom by this year. Im into depression, loneliness and so many things until one day i decided to have a suicidal attempt as I cant accept this kind of status...coz i cant marry that person with a deep reason..but i know God will bring out the best from worst...I salute you people. God bless you

First of all, I guess that some people don’t know what the meaning of CHILD ABUSE IS!!!!!! I assure you no where in the definition of child abuse does it say anything about single parenting! That comment was PURE ignorance! How could anyone say that CHOOSING to PARENT a child is child abuse or selfish? I can't think of one thing about parenting that is selfish. Parenting is all about putting your child and what is in his or her best interest FIRST. Really, how many children have the "IDEAL" two parent home- with two loving and supportive parents? "Perfect" families with a Mommy, Daddy, and 2.5 kids are very rare. Meanwhile, there are children that have no one to love them or care for them. Many are in foster homes or orphanages. When the time is right- I will most definitely adopt or choose to have a child. If the right man has not come along yet-that is fine! There is nothing else in this world that I want to be as much as a mother....and as far as I am concerned that is the single most important qualification!

Single Father with an 18 yr. old autistic daughter here- and not by choice I assure you, more by chance.
After 2 failed marraiges and almost 2 decades of wading through the ever increasingly dangerous waters of child rearing, I have to wonder why anyone would even consider bringing another helpless human into this society, much less find themselves going it alone. Of course my situation is not the "norm" or is it average...
My daughter was born with special needs, and the very nature of her disability is tough to contend with. I came from a broken home, and was the product of a single parent. I desperately wanted to break the cycle and I wanted a whole family unit. Try as I did, it did not work out that way. I have had to deal with the responsibility of raising her without the help of family also as my family is severely disfunctional, and my daughter's biological mother and her family have no contact since the age of 2, and my ex-wive's family is kind but... blood is thicker than water right? So this leaves Dad holding the bag.
With all due respect to the Mom's out there, I have spent years watching the workplace make a "societal acceptance" of single motherhood, but I as a father do not get that "acceptance", and whether it is academically oriented or career initiated- the subtle prejudice is apparent to me. Bosses want to know why I can't find day care- even when I told them she was a teenager! (Find me daycare for an autistic teenager that is affordable) The schools all want to know if they can talk to Mom, or where is Mom when Dad doesn't like the lack of accomadations in the IEP meetings. Trying to keep up with my femine and nurturing side for my daughter, while trying to assert my masculine side in the rest of the world makes for a very trying day... I am not both the cuddling Mom and the distinguished Dad all rolled up into one... and I don't want to be! I am an individual, male, with a desire to be that man, and all of the advantages and disadvantages that go along with it. I can't make an income that truely reflects my ability, and I am not the most patient and nurturing soul neccessary to coddle a special needs child.
I feel too many people are too quick to walk down the isle and say I do thinking in the back of their narrow little minds that they can always get divorced, never considering the impact and repercussions that decision will have on more lives than you can imagine.
Marraige should be more sacred, parenthood should be more respected, and single parenthood should be more supported, because we all know darn well how absolutely difficult, and unbelievably tiresome playing all of these roles can be.
Peace, and I wish only the strength and fortitude to all of you, to be able to, continue.

welcome to single parenthood. we single mothers go thru that every day without appreciation.

As a single parent it is so important to have an extra set of hands and some time to yourself. This will prevent you from burning out and having trouble in all aspects of your life because of your high stress level. I suggest a good babysitter. I recently became a member of www.mynannycalledinsick.com and I suggest the site to all single parents because it makes finding a babysitter a lot easier when you are really busy. Good luck!

I just came across your article. I am a single mother as well. Unfortuately, I went on a blind date some years ago... and was taken advantage of... some would call it rape... but I have a hard time with that because I did not say no or scream... I was too afraid... well needless, to say, I have a son as a result of that... he is wonderful... I regret how he came about but I donot regret him. Today, I am not only a single mother... I am a full-time working mother and full time graduate student... It is completely overwheming... There are times like today I just want to give up... or quit my job... My health has not been good this year, my stress levels are at crazy levels, but Cathy just as you stated " I am the sole support of my family". I do feel guilty about not being able to give 100% to my career, Son, and schooling... Unfortuately, I have very few people I trust to help me out with my son.... Since a good firend moved away recently and my son's "Godparents are elderly and often out of town... I usually do everything on my own... With my work schedule, college and responsiblities as a mother, I do not have much time to make new friends.... (smiling) But I do remember a time I had lots of friends... I think once I graduate... and only get to focus on work, my son and home... things will be a little bit more manageable... Infact, my son who is 6 years old made me promise when he was 5 years old that I would not go for my PHD, that way we could spend more time together. It is very hard being a single parent, I wish there was more support in the world for us... male and female. Well, it is good to see that I am not the only one. If anyone has any tip on how to make life easier as a single parent I would love to hear it too. Thank you.

I just came across your article. I am a single mother as well. Unfortunately, I went on a blind date some years ago... and was taken advantage of... some would call it rape... but I have a hard time with that because I did not say no or scream... I was too afraid... well needless, to say, I have a son as a result of that... he is wonderful... I regret how he came about but I do not regret him. Today, I am not only a single mother... I am a full-time working mother and full time graduate student... It is completely overwhelming... There are times like today I just want to give up... or quit my job... My health has not been good this year, my stress levels are at crazy levels, but Cathy just as you stated “I am the sole support of my family". I do feel guilty about not being able to give 100% to my career, Son, and schooling... Unfortunately, I have very few people I trust to help me out with my son.... Since a good friend moved away recently and my son's "Godparents are elderly and often out of town... I usually do everything on my own... With my work schedule, college and responsibilities as a mother, I do not have much time to make new friends.... (Smiling) But I do remember a time I had lots of friends... I think once I graduate... and only get to focus on work, my son and home... things will be a little bit more manageable... In fact, my son who is 6 years old made me promise when he was 5 years old that I would not go for my PHD, that way we could spend more time together. It is very hard being a single parent, I wish there was more support in the world for us... male and female. Well, it is good to see that I am not the only one. If anyone has any tip on how to make life easier as a single parent I would love to hear it too. Thank you.

Thank you for this piece! I was musing on the difference between single mother by choice and single mother, and Google pointed me to you. I think I'm a single mother by choice, because I chose to remove myself and my son from a joyless marriage that was teaching my son to be sad. He has such happiness, kindness, and light in his life now! As do I.

The best advice I can give all those solomothers (and solofathers) is... find a tribe. Find mothers and fathers and aunts and uncles and a world of people who love you, who love your child, and who catch you, prop you up, cheer you on and share their happiness with you.

I'm also a single mother by choice to two extraordinary children, a ten-year-old boy and a seven-year-old girl (full biological sibs), through an anonymous donor. I’d reached an age where there was nobody special in my life (having divorced the World’s Worst Person) and had a deeply ingrained, I don’t know, assumption I guess, that I WOULD have a family. I never questioned it; in fact it wasn’t really a decision but more something I had to do that was as inevitable as needing glasses or being Jewish or reading books.

While I was enduring fertility treatments for my first (now there's a great irony: not only did I have to do it alone, but I needed help to do it alone!) I spent a lot of time trawling Internet fertility support groups for encouragement and consolation. Most correspondents were supportive and probably couldn't have cared less that I was single, wrapped up as we all were in our fertility troubles, but a few attacked my "selfishness" in inflicting a fatherless life on some poor innocent child. In addition to foaming-at-the-mouth fury at their presumptuousness, I felt frankly baffled that anyone could accuse of selfishness someone willing to give up freedom, stain-free (okay, relatively stain-free; I admit I’m a klutz) clothes and a full night's sleep in exchange for midnight vomiting (sorry -- too graphic?), homework help, car pooling, potty training and on and on and on. In fact, I felt it was one of the least self-centered goals I’d ever pursued.

Being a parent has been my life’s greatest achievement by far, and being a single parent is one of the world’s best-kept secrets. Although I must depend on my parents, friends and siblings for continuous advice and assistance (and thank goodness they’re always prepared to step up to the plate), I believe our lives are slightly smoother than some others’ since we don’t have to factor in parenting disagreements.

Of course, I come from a background that offers me a great deal of support, in addition to which I’m mature, educated and financially secure. My situation is markedly different from that of an unexpectedly pregnant fifteen-year-old high school student. For an insightful comparison of check out On Our Own by Melissa Ludtke.

Thanks for all posting ... it has given me some inspiration on my journey as a single-parent of a son for almost 13 years now. Two of those 13 years was spent with his father, unfortunatley, who is now deceased. I have some help from my mother and brother, who help instills in him good morals and values. I thank God for them.

However, even though I have the support of family, it can sometimes get really hard. I guess the threading question is: "Do you think being or becoming a single-parent is selfish?". Well, I would say an overwhelming "No" & "Yes". No, it is not selfish because you are constantly giving yourself to this child. Giving does not equal selfish. However, I do believe in a profound way that when you decide to bring a child in this world without first carefully thinking about what the child needs and not just what "you" want and how "you" feel...yes, I think that is selfish.

I know growing up without a father had a heavy impact on my life. So many people have the same testimony. I give my son all the love I have to give, and I still see where he needs that father figure in his life and because of a combination of immaturity, selfishness (yes, I said it) and most importantly, not doing it the way God intended ...meaning Woman + Man = baby (in a marriage) I think this created my destiny of a single parent. Yes, I know there are many who are married and have been married, and still have the same end result as me "single-parenting". However, if you can look back, would you have really chosen that mate to have your children with? If you say yes, then I can truly say that "So sad that it didn't work". However, there are many, just like me, didn't plan to have children with their significant others ...it just happened.

Children deserve more than ..."it just happened". Will I trade my son for all the tea in China "Heck No!!!!" Does he deserve the best in life? Heck Yes!!!! And that in my oppinion is a mother + father, who BOTH give unconditional love to him. If that means, in separate homes (because of unfortunate situations) then so be it. However, just to say, I am going to have a baby, so I can love someone. Did you think about what if/when that baby grows up, that it would yearn for its 'natural' father???

I have prayed to God to send someone my way who can be that loving father to my son and a loving spouse to me. I do have faith that it will happen. In the meantime, I will continue doing what I am currently doing and that is ... Giving my son that BEST of me, so in turn, help him be the best.

For all you single P's ...keep your chin up. The best rewards always come hard.

Ok, after reading every article presented, I strongly feel that single-parenting is both "selfish" and "not-at-all-selfish" depending on the situation. Different circumstances often lead to someone having it worst than the next. I am 28 and a mother of a 9 year old daughter, as well as a 4 year old son. Both of my children have different fathers. I did marry my first borns father, but everything happened so soon and I became pregnant before I could even understand the desire to be a mother. "It just happened!" I wasn't ready, I was in college, her father was in the military, and I had to leave my whole family behind to move to our next duty station, which meant no support for sick days, alone time or mommy and daddy time. Although, he helped out, I really did not want to be a stay home mother I wanted to work so that I could have my own escape. Was it selfish of me to have her? Yes, because I should of thought about what if? way before I decided to keep her, especially since my family is so disfunctional and I really had no one to rely on. I grew up without a mother and a father and it has had a major effect on me my whole life to the point that I wished I would have come from a different family, one more loving, supportive and educated. Instead, I chose to do the right thing and now I feel guilt for it all the time. But I do not, in the least, regret having her because she has been my rock. Besides, this man that I was married to was not even the man I wanted to spend my life with, but I married him anyway to do what I thought was right for our child. After a year, I left because I was unhappy. Subsequently, five years later and more mature, I had my son with the love of my life, who I did see having a family with, and while committed to each other for about 7 years, it was closer to the end of our relationship that I realized he had been unfaithful the majority of our relationship. During this time my family meant the world to me and I did what ever it took to perserve that. Then, I realized that while I was deciding to have my children it was selfish of me to do so, under my circumstances, because I did not have a college education, I did not have money or a family to support my children, and their fathers were in the military which meant they would not even have a father figure. I tried to give them "mommy and daddy" but with the never ending fighting and unfaithfulness it was wrong for me to subject them to this life so I had to become a single mother for my own well being as well as my childrens. Now this is what I call "being completely unselfish!" Today, I am a full time student, working a part time job, who appreciates them even more after our many struggles. I don't have money or much support except for my wonderful daycare provider and every now and then x-boyfriend(son's father), but atleast I have my dignity, my attainable goals, and most importantly the love of my children, that keeps me focused on a better future for us. Life has taught me a grand lesson and because of it, I know I will be successful, I will take what ever support I can get to beat the odds and break the chain of my vicious family circle. Nothing is going to stop me this time unless I die in the process because my children mean the world to me, so if I feel guilty for not being there, I have to remind myself that it isn't much longer before I can enjoy them more. And right now they are young, so I figured I would go ahead and get my education out of the way first so I can make a better contribution to theirs. Adversity only makes us stronger, so remember that when times get tough, this is when you find out what your truly made of...........there for I consider myself phenomenal........a survivor.

God Bless you all in your daily struggles!

I could not believe how many people have stories about single parenting. My book, Parenting with a Broken Heart was written for the struggling single parent. My story is that after my own divorce, I was a therapist with 5 kids, and left working as a mediator of divorces in the courthouse and started an agency just for single parent families. We couldn't believe how big the need was! Times do get touch, and working with others always gives me a lift. I divorced before cell phones and I am beginning to wonder if they are a miracle or curse. I have only one suggestion for moms and dads. Put the cell phone on hold while you are with your kids, and wait until they are in bed to talk to your friends. You have so precious little time with them with work and shopping etc. It kind of bugs me to see a mom shopping, or in a restaurant with her kids and on the phone with someone else. It is something we wouldn't do to a friend, why do we do it to our kids? Just a thought. Great blog, I will be back.

Wow! That staement itself is more than naive, but oh so ignorant. So as single mother of four, maybe I made the naive decision to get rid of the alcoholic father who faithfully had money for a drink rather than a light bill? I am a single mother of four and my children are my strength. Oh and by the way, my lights are still on.

Those stories inspired me so much. Im a single parent of 11 year old boy.And being a single parent sometimes you feel lonely, all alone and weak but in front of my son I have to be strong enough to understand the sitaution.I work hard and try to seek out opportunities for us.For me it is best to be a single parent and raising a child by yourself than having a person who is not worthy to be with.Just pray a lot and lift everything to God. Plus read the bible everyday it can open our eyes to all possibilities and hope from all the hardship and pain that engraved into our hearts..God bless us more..

Michele,
I appreciate your comments my experience feels similar. My ex said he would see me in the gutter and bankrupt. He has dragged me through the court system for 5 years and the lawyers love it and the judge never puts an end to it. It's a disgusting nightmare and how do you fight a lawyer or a judge to stop their meaningless dragging their heels and never finishing? Noone cares because its all about making money.

I am not a parent but a child, people usually say I am very devoted to my parents because I know their love is unconditional. Reading your blogs made my eyes water cannot help the tears. Just wanted to say no child ever thinks their parents have not given their best even if they complain in teens or early adulthood once they mature they will not complain. They will appreciate everything you did or do. God Bless Us All. Wish you all the very best. You are the stars!

I am a single parent by choice also. I was young, got pregnant by my boyfriend, and he started making some really bad decisions in life so I decided the best thing for my daughter was to do this alone- without his help. She is 4 now and he still has never seen her. I do have a degree and a wonderful career, but being a single mother is very expensive and very stressful. Then again, I wouldn't trade it for the world. My daughter has brought so much faith and happiness in my life and I am a better person because of her. She lacks nothing- although I would love for her to have a wonderful father, she has all the family she needs right now. She is very happy and very smart, and our bond couldn't be any stronger. For all of the single mothers out there who are in a similar situation, I'm sure you can say the same. Appreciate the gift that you have and be proud of yourselves!

I am a single mother by choice in that I found out I was pregnant after breaking up with my son's dad. I don't even count him into the equation - he moved to another state and pays child support when the mood strikes.
My biggest regret is that as a single parent providing sole support, I feel like the author of that original post - selfish and naive. I never realized how much of my son's life I'd miss - his first words, his first steps, watching his first laugh - all while I work to make ends meet. I never thought I'd be twenty-five still at my parents' house trying to rebuild my life. I never thought I'd want to give up the teaching career I worked so hard for just to be able to say I am a GREAT mom and I can do all the wonderful things stay-at-home moms do. I don't mind working hard, but is it really all about the money?
There's so much time I can never get back - so many day cares, nurseries, and friends who've gotten the best of my son's time because I was too busy. Of course, my son's father could never call me unfit - but he doesn't have to - I claim the name honestly.
So those of you on your soap boxes about how being a single parent by choice isn't bad - I disagree. I think it was a selfish choice and our children will grow up not missing the parent who left but missing the parent who was there physically but couldn't make them a real priority.
Note: This comes from a mom who does everything with her child and works from 8-3, but still doesn't feel it's enough.

Loved the article.

Is nobody besides me getting tired of constantly being labeled a single parent? "Oh, you are a single parent, it must be so tough for you". I cannot count the many times I have heard that statement, despite making it my policy to never discuss voluntarily my marital status (I tell the truth if asked - I am divorced), to never complain about personal hardships or use my kid as an excuse (even if she is sick), and being fairly well adjusted professionally (i.e doing better than expected and trying even harder). I know people must mean well, but, boy, am I tired of the label. Paradoxically, even when I was married, I was still called a single parent, as I was doing my Ph.D. in a different state.

I just don't understand why it is acceptable for most people to poke into my life. After all if I did the same, that would be considered outright rude, and yet it is so socially acceptable. I've had had a colleague that asked me every time she saw me leave the office "oh, you have to go pick up your daughter?"(which was almost every day). "who's taking care of your kid?" - that's another one of my favorites - does anybody remember the last time that question has been asked to non-single parents? Thank god I met incredible people that were not willing to read the book by the cover and gave me a chance to prove myself.

I am so glad I came across this site. I am a single parent. My husband died when our daughter was two, and the past 12 1/2 years have been hard, but rewarding all at the same time. I came from a very dysfunctional family, and they've tried to support me through the years, but they don't even try to understand what life has been like for me, so I'm subject to quite a bit of criticism from them. My mother tried to help, and appreciate what she's done for me, but she tells my daughter who is now 15 how terrible her life has been without a father, and cuts me down a lot, which causes a lot of chaos for me and my daughter. We talk things out, life calms down, but with all the stressors I already have raising a teenager on my own, I think sometimes I am better off without her "help". I have friends who either are or were single parents at one point in time, and they have been my lifeline. I promised myself my daughter was going to have a better childhood that I did, with or without a partner. Breaking the cycle of dysfunction sometimes seems like an impossible goal, but I have met so many wonderful people through the years, and they have taught me so much. I don't think I would have made it without them. Their advise has proven to be absolutely priceless. I've been out of work for a while now, so financially life has been pretty rough, and has been a big stressor, but I'm doing side jobs, and still looking for work, and I think eventually things will get better. I try to stay optimistic, but some days life is so overwhelming, its hard not to get depressed. My daughter has always been the center of my world, and we have had a lot of good times over the years as well as some major struggles. Sometimes I feel all alone in this huge world, but no matter how tough things get, they always get better. I am proud of who my daughter is becoming. She is really starting to care about school, she has good friends, and has goals she has set for her future. She's older now, so she can help out around the house, which is so nice. She doesn't like to do it, but it does take a huge burden off of me, and I make sure she knows I appreciate it. Every year she grows and changes, and I grow and change with her as well. Being a single parent has been the hardest thing I have ever done, but it has also been the most fulfilling job I have ever had.

I am single mother of 2 and I left an abusive marriage 13 yrs ago. I did not want them to be abused or to see the abuse. I wasn't working while I was married and in fact I left active duty military to be the one to stay home. I love my kids very much but being a paycheck to paycheck single mom is something I would not want anyone to go through. I would think that the difference in subsets of single parents is those who had finances at the start and those who had little to none. I do my best but unexpected expenses, i.e. major car repairs, has constantly landed me back to square one mostly due to losing a job after losing or lack of timely transportation. There is also a decline in family support for any walk of life across this nation leading to people looking for government assistance which doesn't help (that is another whole story)...What happened to neighbors knowing neighbors and helping each other directly? Guess it is the decline of the family structure. That is what really scares me..will my children also have to struggle day to day when they are adults despite my every effort to see them to a better life? Yes, I am mad but not bitter..mad because of a lack of a partner (I have dated but its really hard to start a new relationship as a full-time single parent), you know, someone you can come home to and talk to them about your day - someone to help make household decisions like whether to pay the electric bill and forgo food until the next paycheck or vice versa. That's the reality of being a low income single parent. Can't exactly save $ for a rainy day when you are constantly juggling between important utility bills, car payments (I have an older used car not a new one) and rent payments. OK well I've just been letting out my feelings and opinions which are more than I have written here. Once again I do love my kids and have no regrets just tired of being constantly stressed financially.

I have been an independent parent since my son was born 12 years ago. We travel, play sports, go to operas and plays. And yes, we both have a great time. I am not wealthy. In fact, I went back to school three years ago so my son and I could experience more of what the world has to offer. I probably make about $10,000 a year. It is easy to get yourself in a rut. Especially when all you worry about are the bills. But let's face it, that happens even if there are two parents in the home. My son doesn't have issues about being fatherless, so I don't feel bad. He hasn't experienced having a father in the home, so he doesn't miss it. You can't miss something you've never had. Only children who's fathers left during their childhood will more than likely have issues.
In order to keep our lives under control (of course we have bad days) I live below my means financially. I find out about all the community support that is available such as scholarships and the Angel Food Network. The community offers tons of free plays, movies in the parks,etc. I don't get financial assistance from the government, but I know where to go for the good deals. I don't worry about having the best of everything. I just appreciate that I have been given an opportunity to live life- with a great child.
Lastly, the greatest thing you can do is find a mentor. Mentors have already gone through what you are experiencing now and have worked their way out of some very stressful situations. Mentors always know where to go and have the best advice. You can find a mentor at your local church (or your preferred religious community).
For those who believe that living independently with a child is selfish; it is only selfish if you drag you and your children through the mud. Enjoying life with your child is the most unselfish act as a parent.