Schmooze, Whether You Like It or Not

Networking comes easily to some. The rest of us should get past the fear that this art of chitchat is one-sided and somehow inappropriate

by Lindsey Gerdes

I don't remember many speakers from junior high assembly (like many people I know, I tend to block out that period in general), but one guy has always stuck in my memory. He was a polished-looking, smooth-talking professional of some sort (O.K., I don't remember exactly what he did) who came to speak to us about the art of networking.

He was giving us a lesson about networking your way toward getting what you want in life. I'm sure he meant to paint the process as a two-way street, but it didn't come across that way. Even at that young age, something about his message was disquieting to me. The seemingly contrived nature of the interactions he championed were entirely focused on the end gain, with little to no attention on the authenticity of the relationship. It seemed hollow and false.

I never entirely shook that perception, even when I entered the workforce and accepted it as an inevitability of building a successful career. (As you can imagine, this made my first job search particularly excruciating.) And I know others who feel the same, at least about some forms of networking.

One 25-year-old real estate investment analyst I know is particularly bothered by what he terms "aimless, sycophantic schmoozing." He says, "The connections that matter seem to be developed through my work," meaning the day-to-day encounters that naturally occur with others in his industry rather than targeted efforts at meeting people specifically to nurture relationships and build connections. He admits that being in a business where he is usually the client "and doesn't have to kiss anybody's butt" helps, as does the fact that his work lends itself to making these business-related connections.

Finding an "In"

But what about those who are just starting out and don't have a job—especially one that offers ready-made networking opportunities? Even if you are already gainfully employed, chances are you aren't the one getting your butt kissed. Networking can seem particularly one-sided and forced at this point in one's career. It's hard not to feel like you're using the other person and that you have nothing tangible to offer in return. "I would say networking with your peers is easy and natural," says Erica, 25. "But networking with those people in influential positions is a lot harder because everyone wants to speak with them and usually you need an "in" to even get them to meet with you."

These types of feelings make some people avoid networking altogether—much to their detriment. And then there are those who play the game a little too well. We all know them. Much like the schmoozalicious guy who spoke at my junior high, every word that comes out of their mouths seems overly calculated and rehearsed. I have one acquaintance who does it so effortlessly that you get the feeling he would schmooze his own grandmother. "So, Grams, it's going well. I'm putting together a big deal at work. How are you? Got the birthday money. Very nice. What about an even $500, though? I kid, I kid." But he'd secretly mean it.

A Genuine Schmooze

The challenge then is twofold: to make networking appear natural and actually feel authentic as well. Instead of canvassing the room and exchanging as many business cards as possible, young professionals should focus on "deep connections," recommends Marty Nemko, PhD, voted "The Bay Area's Best Career Coach" by the San Francisco Bay Guardian, and author of Cool Careers for Dummies. But how meaningful can a connection really be after a single 10-minute conversation? Very, says Nemko, who counsels clients to focus on identifying someone's hot-button issue (i.e., something that's important to them), as an entrée into establishing a bond that will lead to future interactions—and possible opportunities to help one another in a professional capacity.

He also says that to do this and make a genuine connection, both parties should be unafraid to expose weakness.