Frenemies at Work

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Your frenemy, confronted with the facts, will likely react in one of the following ways:

That's the way life is. But you would have done the same thing to me—it's every person for him—or herself. Your reply, "Actually I wouldn't have. I would have handled the situation without overtly criticizing anyone. I would have used the issue as an opportunity to improve our group's process and strengthen the team. There are ways to do that, and I'd love to talk with you more about them." Who, me? I don't know what you're talking about. You're too sensitive.

Stay Off Victims List

Your reply, "I don't feel I'm being sensitive at all. To the extent that I doubt your motivation or your level of buy-in to the projects we work on together, I'll be uncomfortable sharing information with you or helping you succeed, and that won't help either of us or the company. I have no opinions about your relationships with other people on our team, but where you and I are concerned, I need to know that if you have constructive feedback for me, I'll always hear it before anyone else does. Is that a fair agreement?"

Other possible reactions: Your frenemy may minimize the backstabbing, accuse you of "frenemizing" yourself, or try to change the subject. But if you're sure that you're in a frenemy situation, it's appropriate to keep the conversation on target. It doesn't matter a lot whether your frenemy cleans up his or her act in general, but it matters that you erase your name from the list of possible victims.

And calling a frenemy's bluff really does work. Once you have made the point that you won't play friends-today-trashed-tomorrow, your frenemy should ease up. You may even become the first workmate he trusts completely when the heat is on.

Remember, you have an obligation to your workmate also, to have his back as much as you'd like him to have yours. That doesn't mean covering for one another, misleading anyone, or promoting any agenda other than the company's best interests. But it requires honest communication and trust, two things that teams (even teams of two members) can't operate without.

Once you establish yourself as the person your former frenemy can't, and doesn't need to, sabotage, you may learn things about your colleague that help you understand how the frenemy worldview developed. You have more influence on your colleagues than you think. If you can help a smart and capable person get over the fears that inspire frenemy-type behavior, you've accomplished your good deed for the year—at least.

Liz Ryan is an expert on the new-millennium workplace and a former Fortune 500 HR executive. She can be reached at liz@asklizryan.com.