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Career Q&A April 20, 2007, 12:01AM EST

When a Colleague Hungers for Your Time

If you decline persistent lunch invites politely—without excuses or guilt— you won't damage your office relationship

by Liz Ryan

Dear Liz,

There's a woman at work who likes to have lunch with me more than I like to have lunch with her. I don't want to be rude, but there are lots of other people in my office that are more interesting to talk to. Once in a while is O.K., but if I accepted every lunch invitation from this lady, we would have lunch together two or three times every week. How do I put her off without being rude?

Thanks,

Janna

Dear Janna,

When your colleague suggests lunch on a given day, say to her "Oh, I'm sorry, not today, how about next Thursday?" That way, you will lengthen the intervals between lunches without taking her off your lunch list altogether. You don't have to explain your reasons for declining a lunch invitation, and you shouldn't encourage that line of questioning by coming up with excuses ("I have to finish a report" or "I'm just going to have lunch at my desk"). Making up excuses will only make you feel trapped and resentful. There's nothing wrong with trying to help her understand that there are times her invitations work for you and there are times they don't.

It's also fine if you decline her lunch invitation and end up having lunch with someone else. After all, she doesn't have a monopoly on your lunch time, and it would be a very bad thing if this one colleague felt that she did. It makes sense to have a network of friends at the office, not just one.

Should you run into her in a restaurant while you're lunching with someone else after you've declined one of her invitations, don't react out of guilt. Should she ask "Why did you say you didn't feel like lunch and I later saw you at the Olive Garden?" you can say "I got hungry, and Jack and I decided to grab a bite," or "My day ended up going a lot better than I thought, and Jack happened by." (Aren't you glad you didn't make up an excuse?)

Of course, it's bad manners to accept a lunch date and then cancel when a "better" one comes along. But as long as that's not what you're doing, you should be able to stay on cordial terms with this colleague and lunch with her occasionally.

Cheers,

Liz

Liz Ryan writes her "Career Insight" column and answers readers' questions every week at businessweek.com/managing. She is an expert on the new-millennium workplace and a former Fortune 500 HR executive.

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