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First, welcome to New York. I don't know how often you've been here before, but you'll probably want to catch some sights between practices with your new team, the Knicks. As you're doing the Tourist Thang, you may come across a T-shirt popular with visitors to the Apple. It features the barrel of a handgun aimed at the viewer and the legend: "New York--it ain't Kansas." Well, it ain't the Bay Area, either. So as you leave behind all the controversies about throttling your coach at the Golden State Warriors and embrace your new city, you might want to commit these few pointers to memory: --When you go out to eat at an Italian restaurant and the pasta you ordered al dente comes out as thick as water-logged clothesline, don't choke the waiter. A lot of waiters in New York have cousins with nicknames like "Vinnie the Squid," and the only things they like around their necks are gold chains. --Certainly, you've already encountered that ravenous, foaming-at-the-sound-bite pack of journalistic jackals called the New York Working Press. No matter how short or obnoxious they are, don't choke the reporters. That's what they want. Then they'll have a Page One story, and they can spend the next six months milking it. --Say your limo doesn't show up, and you're forced to take a taxi. Even if the driver doesn't know the Bronx is up and the Battery's down, don't choke the cabbie. Cabbies get around, and he could quickly swerve over to an all-night fallafel stand, where his friends will attack you with hot spatulas. Or he could kiddie-lock all the doors and force you spend an hour listening to a recording of Dr. Ruth repeatedly tell you to buckle your seatbealt. --There's going to be a little dude with big ideas sitting courtside at every home game. No, not the one with the girlfriend who's young enough to be his daughter. That's Woody. I'm talking about the guy with the glasses and the goatee. No matter how mad he makes you by yelling about what you did wrong and how you should have done it, don't choke Spike Lee. He'll make a movie about you, and you'll be the laughingstock of the entire nation. --Oh, yeah, there's one more guy you have to watch out for. He's kind of goofy, with a toothy smile and movements so stiff and jerky that you'd think someone built him out of used parts in a basement in Transylvania. Even if he disrespects you and makes some dumb joke about not bringing up the crime rate in New York, don't choke Mayor Giuliani. Sure, when they try you and convict you, the judge will probably only give you community service -- but who wants to scrape gum off the platform of the Times Square subway stop? Now I know all this is going to take a lot of restraint, and there are going to be days when you simply have to blow off some steam. When that happens, just reach over and grab that pale, balding guy in sweatpants by the throat and shake him a few times. You'll feel a lot better when you put Coach Jeff Van Gundy in touch with your inner child. And don't worry about him ratting you out. You wouldn't be here if the Knicks didn't really want to become champs. Scotti, BW senior editor for government and sports business, offers his views weekly for BW Online |
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