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It seems so unfair. A lifetime in training down the drain. Years of hard-fought victories in the minor leagues, The sacrifices, and for what? All of it undone with one new itty-bitty rule.
On Aug. 15, the Miss America Organization announced a series of changes to the pageant, meant to spice up the event for TV viewers. Among the updates: Contestants will be tested and judged on their knowledge. That's right, knowledge. For the first time, the top five finalists will have to correctly answer a series of questions about current events, U.S. history, and American government. Oh, and all the contestants will get to vote on who they think should win.
SWIMSUIT SURVIVALISTS. Bizarrely, the show's organizers hope these moves will remind viewers of the Survivor-like atmosphere surrounding this perennial end-of-summer pageant. "Reality television is the buzzword describing a variety of new TV shows, but in fact, the Miss America telecast has been providing viewers with high-stakes reality television since its broadcast debut in 1954," Robert M. Renneisen, Jr., president and CEO of the Miss America Organization, declared in a press release. "Instead of some contrived contests, the Miss America telecast is the end product of a year of competition that begins with 12,000 women and culminates with one previously unknown woman, who overnight becomes an internationally renowned celebrity. That's reality TV."
Whatever, as Miss California might say.
It doesn't take a whole lot of imagination to picture the reaction this news must have caused among the 51 beauties set to compete in Atlantic City on Sept. 22. These women have spent years toning and tanning, learning how to apply warpaint and walk in spikes without wobbling. (There's the "talent" portion of the pageant. But let's face it -- nobody every really worried about that. The competition wasn't exactly stiff, though working a violin bow in a low-cut gown can work wonders with the judges. And by the way, the talent show has been renamed the "artistic expression" segment.)
GO FIGURE. Holy Bert Parks, how much time do they think contestants have to spend on academics and keeping up with the news? Yeah, yeah, I know. Miss America is a "scholarship program," and all these competitors are getting legitimate degrees at serious universities. But in between the not eating, the waxing, the plastic surgery, there can't be much time left for Dan Rather. And then, there are all those hours spent on the road, traveling from pageant to pageant. You think it's easy clawing your way from Miss Pawtucket to Miss Rhode Island?
What's a girl to do? Lock herself in a room with a year's worth of the New York Times? Cadge a little sister's eighth-grade history text and memorize it? There's just a little more than a month to go. It's not easy to cram a lifetime of paying attention into 30 days.
You have to wonder how bright an idea this really is. After all, the Miss America people have the seemingly impossible job of coming up with a bunch of questions that fit into the extremely narrow area between embarrassing themselves and humiliating the participants. They can't get away, for instance, with asking "Who's buried in Grant's tomb?" or "What planet was George W. Bush born on?" And the organizers will be laughed off the Boardwalk if the questions are overly broad, like "How would you bring peace to the Middle East?" On the other hand, none of these women are going to know the name of the guy who runs Belarus (not that I know either).
MYSTERY HOST. This might be a job for Regis. Hey, come to think of it, Regis would make a great host for the Miss America program! It's broadcast on ABC, just like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.
Wait a minute. You don't think that this might all be a really cheesy way of promoting Regis's falling-in-the-ratings show, do you? Are they going to flash those lights and play that thumpy Millionaire music during the quiz competition? The Miss America Organization won't say who's hosting the show this year. That's odd. It's not that hard a question.
Scotti, senior editor for government and sports business, offers his views every week in A Not-So-Neutral Corner, only for BW Online Edited by Beth Belton
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