It’s a rough Monday for American businesses. If you’re among the legions of working professionals reeling from the aftershock of last night’s beer-and-Buffalo-wing-fueled festivities—according to AOL Jobs, some 1.5 million workers call in “sick” on the day after the Super Bowl—here are some trusty hangover-fighting tactics, arranged in descending order of danger.
Bury Oneself Alive
Historically, Irish clans fought alcohol’s aftereffects by burying themselves to their necks in wet river sand. “While cheeky and hilarious, the lab results were wildly inconclusive,” wrote one blogger at the travel site Lot 18. “Verdict: Keep in mind for St. Paddy’s Day, but have a backup plan.”
Medicate Into a Coma
In a note written on Beverly Hills Hotel stationery in 1967, Hunter S. Thompson, the author of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, revealed his trusty cure: “12 amyl nitrites (one box), in conjunction with as many beers as necessary.”
According to The Hangover Handbook, 19th century English chimney sweeps drank a “warm cup of milk” mixed with a “level teaspoon of fine soot. Soot created by burning hardwood is the best. Drink slowly. Repeat after 30 minutes if you are still feeling a bit off.”
According to renowned writer and drinker Kingsley Amis, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, the British Romantic poet, would self-medicate by eating six fried eggs with a glass of laudanum—an alcoholic opium drink—and seltzer.
When in Rome
Pliny the Elder, the ancient Roman philosopher, suggested eating deep-fried canary along with owl eggs. In 2002, Forbes produced a recipe based on this cure: “Some people recommend flambéing the canary with cognac immediately upon removing from the pan. This step is optional.”
A Caffeinated Enema
NaturalNews.com, a site focusing on organic and herbal remedies, provides a step-by-step guide to the supposedly salvific coffee enema. “If one has a sensitive colon due to chronic illness,” advises the site, “herbal teas such as chamomile or Essiac may be used instead of, or in conjunction with, the coffee enema.”
Sweat It Out
According to legend, Native Americans would treat their hangovers by running until they began to sweat profusely. Then they would lick their own sweat and spit it out, believing it to be poisonous.
Just Keep Rocking
Punk rock frontman Andrew W.K. revealed his cure in a tweet: “The best cure for a hangover is more partying. Actually, the best cure for anything is more partying.”
Gwyneth Paltrow wrote on her self-help blog Goop: “Mercy is a drink that is almost like a health elixir, packed with amino acids, vitamins, minerals and herbs that protect your system against the inevitable hangover.”
Alka-Seltzer and Its Imitators
BroBible.com, a repository for all sorts of frat-themed advice, suggests taking NUUN, “Alkaseltzer-like tablets actually invented by a Dartmouth Bro as his senior project.”
Cup of Joe
According to Dr. Oz, Oprah’s favorite medical authority: “Coffee’s pretty effective, because alcohol is a depressant. Alcohol takes you down. … Coffee’s a stimulant, so it gets you going again in the morning.”
English cook and food writer Nigella Lawson told the U.K.’s Daily Mail. “Try my Eggs in Purgatory recipe. … This dish of eggs cooked in a fiery tomato sauce can feel like heaven.”
Haitian voodoo practitioners fought their hangovers spiritually and physically—by sticking 13 black-headed pins into the cork of the offending bottle.