Blessing the Net

All of those viruses, Metallica MP3s, and Pamela Anderson JPEGs hurtling through cyberspace are enough to make a pious soul pray for help. Problem is, where to direct one's prayers? Some Catholic cybersurfers want to elevate St. Isidore of Seville to patron saint of the Internet. Supporters say the 6th century saint constructed the first database--called The Etymologies. He does have competition: San Pedro Regalado, a 15th century priest who, it is said, could be in two places at one time--a sort of medieval hyperlinker. So far, neither has clicked with the Vatican. In the past, however, thousands of patron saints have been designated by popular acclaim. Meanwhile, if you open the ''I love you'' virus, you might offer a prayer to St. Jude, patron saint of hopeless causes.

By Kate Carlisle

Amazon.com's Amazing New Products

When will e-tailing pioneer Amazon.com become profitable? One way to increase margins is through Amazon-branded products. Founder Jeff Bezos admits that's the route he's going to take but won't reveal his plans. So we have some suggestions for him:

STOCK MARKET GOT YOU DOWN?
Jeff feels your stress. (And how: He has 118 million shares of Amazon.com.) So he's making calming herbal treatments. Try the Amazon Kava Kava and feel that anxiety slip away.

JEFF DID IT AS A KID. WHY NOT YOU?
Isn't it time you tried calf-branding? Get started with your own Amazon Branding Kit, including charcoal, lighter fluid, a choice of branding implements and rope. Cattle not included.

STARTER FURNITURE FOR THAT DOT-COM
Jeff has been down that road, and now his innovative design solutions are available to you. Sturdy desks handcrafted out of stout wooden doors and sawhorses.

THE BEST OF LAWRENCE WELK
Those all-American singers in the Amazon ads last holiday season are back, serenading you with tunes such as That Wacky World Wide Web Is the Only Shop for Me done to the tune of Yellow Rose of Texas.

LAUGH ALONG WITH JEFF
What's a party or board meeting without a Bezos laugh track? Now, you can create an ambiance of hilarity with his ear-splitting guffaws--on CD, audiocassette, or streaming audio download. For a sample, go to ebiz.businessweek.com.

In-House Pirates

Pssst. Your corporate computers could be rife with digital contraband--and you may not know it. That's because some employees, particularly Gen Xers at dot-com and technology companies, are using corporate servers to stash thousands of illegal MP3 downloads via Napster, the ubiquitous music-sharing software.

Swapping music downloads at work is ''no question, a major problem,'' says Frank Creighton, antipiracy director for the Recording Industry Assn. Until now, most attention has focused on piracy at colleges. Yet they account for only 30% of all Napster activity, according to RIAA research.

Some employers, desperate to keep their young tech workers happy, are looking the other way. ''More people have Napster here than don't,'' says an employee at a New York Web-design shop where techies fashioned a special Napster server. Meanwhile, Creighton says he ''absolutely would not hesitate to take action'' against companies violating copyright laws. Listen up, you pirates.

By Dennis Berman

Wallet Bingo

Everybody knows it takes money to make money. Now, an Israeli group has a scheme called BillGame that pushes that notion to the extreme. The game is played by scribbling a Web address on everyday currency that, its backers hope, will drive traffic to their Web site as the bills worm their way around the globe.

A wacky idea? You bet, but rival wheresgeorge.com tracks more than 3 million U.S. bills just for fun. And BillGame lets you win cash. To play, just pull the cash out of your wallet and enter the serial numbers on the game's Web site. Then write www.billgame.com on the bills. When someone gets your money and reenters the serial number on the BillGame site, you both earn points that add up to cash prizes. The backers say they'll make their money selling ads on the site. They might want to move fast: If digital cash ever replaces the real thing, BillGame will be less profitable than Liar's Poker.

By David Rocks

What's It Worth?

When we heard about Eppraisals.com, a Web site that uses a network of experts to value art, antiques, and collectibles, we had to know about the wackiest objects they've appraised.

Guess what we learned? A Himalayan yak-milk canteen is worth $1,250, even though it was obviously used every day. Experts at major galleries were stumped by a simple Indonesian Gold Medallion worth $3,000--they couldn't identify it. Eppraisals.com got it.

Our favorite: An Antarctic ATM Receipt, value $25. This is Transaction Record No. 98 from the first day of operation of the first ATM on the continent. ''This would probably appeal to a banker who collects polar material. I think it deserves to be preserved, but the market is not ready for it today. I predict that it will be in the future--perhaps in another 25 years,'' says their expert. Like some Net stocks.

By Ann Therese Palmer

TABLE: Portal Combat

The major Web portals claim to have it all--except, perhaps, objectivity. Be it coincidence or not, the leading portals are taking subtle--and sometimes not so subtle--jabs at their rivals.

Portal   Search for   Results

AOL.com  Hotmail      First result is a ''recommended site''--
                      AOL e-mail--followed directly by listings
                      for the ''Anti-Hotmail Page'' and a page
                      showing the headline: ''Hotmail Accounts
                      Easily Accessed by Hackers.''

Lycos    Hotmail      After pitches for two competing free e-mail
                      services, the third Web site listed provides
                      this little reminder: ''New security hole
                      in Hotmail.''

Excite   AOL mail     Second result listed is a link to the ''Why
                      America Online sucks'' Web site.
                      
AOL.com  Yahoo mail   Oddly, the first result recommends AOL
                      e-mail. The second result says Yahoo mail
                      includes ''4 MB [megabytes] storage, poor
                      advailabilty [sic] of usernames.''
                      
MSN      Yahoo        Geez. MSN actually launches a separate
                      window touting ''Why MSN Search beats Yahoo.''
                      At bottom, a tiny hyperlink that concedes
                      ''Okay, if you really want to go to Yahoo,
                      click here.''