| BUSINESSWEEK ONLINE : NOVEMBER 22, 1999 ISSUE | ||||||||
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| BUSINESSWEEK LIFESTYLE
How to Have That Talk with Your Folks When Gary Fenchel's 73-year-old mother began showing troubling signs of forgetfulness, he knew she couldn't be left alone anymore. But he and his three siblings also feared that the fiercely independent and active woman, who still played tennis once a week, wouldn't take kindly to the idea of getting help. So they decided that Gary would sit down with her, alone, and have a heart-to-heart. ''We all knew she holds me in the highest regard of all the kids,'' says Fenchel, a 45-year-old software engineer for Lucent Technologies. ''I'm the only one who could bring the topic up with her.'' It worked. His mother agreed to go to an adult day-care center and have a companion visit occasionally. The toughest step in the process of finding care for an elderly parent is the Big Talk. That's when adult children have to turn the tables on their parents and suggest that they can no longer cope on their own. For many seniors, the thought often is especially hard to accept when it comes from their children. Here's how best to broach the subject: -- USE TACT. By suggesting that the problem is as much yours as theirs, you take the focus off your parents' deteriorating condition and help maintain their dignity. ''That way, she can say: 'I don't need this. I'm just doing it to placate my children,''' says Joseph Ilardo, a psychotherapist and author of As Parents Age: A Psychological and Practical Guide (VanderWyk & Burnham, $19.95). -- EASE INTO IT. At first, Inez Gardner's 87-year-old mother, Mamie, was outraged at the suggestion that she seek help. But her children won her over by deciding not to push too hard. ''We just kept telling her to try the center once--that's all we asked,'' says Gardner. As it turned out, after the first day, her mother discovered that she enjoyed the day-care center and readily agreed to go back. -- ENLIST A THIRD PARTY. Not everyone has Fenchel's ability to influence their parent. That's where geriatric-care managers can come in handy. In a highly charged situation, advice from a sympathetic stranger may be more acceptable than suggestions from a child. -- KEEP YOUR PARENTS INVOLVED. ''These are people who feel they're losing control. If adult children involve them as much as possible, they'll have better success than they would otherwise,'' says Ilardo. Have them participate as much as possible in, say, the interviewing and selection of potential caregivers. No matter how frail your mom or dad is, your parents' feelings and opinions deserve respect. By Anne Field _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ BACK TO TOP |
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