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COMMENTARY: MEN: 'COMING AROUND, BUT THEY'VE GOT A LONG WAY TO GO'It's 5 a.m., and I can't sleep. This is my fourth fitful night in a row, and I know what the problem is: My son's nanny is taking two weeks off for a family emergency, and for the past three workdays, Henry has been ensconced in a backup day-care center. It's a perfectly pleasant place, and he may well be having a good time once he settles in. But he sobs when I leave him there each morning, and I worry that he'll never adjust to preschool and that I'm scarring my 2-year-old for life. My husband would sympathize, and he'd help devise another arrangement if I asked. But I don't. And Steve is sleeping soundly. He loves Henry as much as I do, but he doesn't get worked up over these small crises. ''You worry about these things more than I do, and more than you need to,'' he says. Catching up with other mothers over coffees or in phone chats, I find such differences are typical. In most two-income families, dads are taking on more housework and day-to-day child care than their fathers did. My pediatrician husband is far more involved than most. But when it comes to the more strategic, emotionally laden aspects of child-rearing--researching schools, finding age-appropriate activities, or contending with the fallout from a child-care breakdown--it's still usually Mom who is on the spot. ''Men are coming around...but they've got a long way to go,'' says Lenard W. Kaye, a professor of social work and social research at Bryn Mawr College. ''What they do and what they're best at are the concrete dimensions of child care: transportation, finances,'' he says. They are ''less inclined to invEst themselves in the more emotionally and socially intimateaspects of family life.'' The distinction is well reflected in children's behavior. A study released in May by the Whirlpool Foundation found kids much more likely to go to their mothers to share good news, seek advice, or find consolation. In our family, we share a lot. My husband and I divide Henry's baths and feeding. And we both run errands and make forays to the local market. But Steve does the major grocery shOpping because he drives to work and can stop on his way home. As the more enthusiastic and skilled chef, he does most of our cooking. And he is always home by 7 p.m. on the two nights each week when I work late. That's plenty--and Steve's tasks are ones I'm happy to hand off. But my responsibilities, while often rewarding, can also provoke more anxiety. I manage all of Henry's child care, from his nanny to backup day care to the sitters we use on occasional nights out. I also see to his health needs, in part because my doctor husband and I agreed that I had to feel comfortable with Henry's physicians myself. If Henry gets sick, I'm usually on call. I scout out the play groups and toddler classes, and I stay home with Henry every morning until the nanny comes. OVERANXIOUS? Steve says he takes on the chores he does partly because he thinks I have a more acute need to be with my son when I'm not working, and he wants to free me up. ''I see my role as trying to help you balance the work-and-mom conundrum,'' he says. ''I try and do things that will allow you to have more time with Henry.'' It's a wonderful approach. But it still leaves me with lots to do. As Henry's second birthday neared, I bought party invitations, rounded up toddler pals, and found a playground for our little celebration. Steve admits that, left to his own devices, he would have bought a cake, called our immediate families, and been done with it. ''I'm not a party planner,'' he says, ''and I don't think Henry would miss it at this age.'' He might be right: It's possible I like Henry's parties even more than Henry does. But you never know. I may well be overanxious. And truth be told, I really don't want to give away my responsibilities. Plenty of other women feel the same way. Says Patricia Godoy, a mother of three on a leave of absence from her job as an attorney: ''Not only am I the parent of last resort, I don't think I would want it to be otherwise.'' But there are plenty of nurturing opportunities to go around. We'd be happy to share, especially at 5 a.m.
By Kelley Holland RELATED ITEMS
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Updated Sept. 10, 1998 by bwwebmaster
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