08/19/96 POLITE SOCIETY

POLITE SOCIETY

MISS MANNERS RESCUES CIVILIZATION
From Sexual Harassment, Frivolous Lawsuits, Dissing and Other Lapses in Civility
By Judith Martin
Crown -- 497pp -- $30

It's a familiar story. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission charges that at Company X, sexual harassment of female workers is blatant and pervasive. Male workers and management are outraged: No sexual harassment here, they cry. Soon, frustrated and angry males complain they are afraid even to say hello to female co-workers. Reluctantly, the company agrees to spend big bucks training workers on how to avoid sexual harassment. This drama played itself out recently at Mitsubishi Motor Manufacturing of America Inc. in Normal, Ill., but it might have been at lots of other places. The solution could be so much simpler and cheaper: Buy a few thousand copies of Judith Martin's Miss Manners Rescues Civilization, and make sure everyone reads it.
It's really not so confusing, Miss Manners explains in her witty, acerbic style. It's all a question of etiquette, discretion, and professionalism. ``The idea that the present climate is a bewildering change, because pouncing on ladies used to be an officially approved sport, is a nasty one--and not even, like some nasty ideas, true,'' she writes. Simple observation of time-honored ``mannerly principles'' would bar both groping and grabbing on the job. And of course, gentlemen should know better than to force their attentions on ladies: ``The social signaling system'' should be sufficient to indicate ``whether they are being encouraged or rejected.'' It's almost enough to make you long for the Victorian Age.
But for those who have somehow skipped society's etiquette training, Miss Manners spells it out plainly. Simple manners bar any speaking or behaving in a way that makes others uncomfortable, whether that involves coarse language, looking at dirty pictures, discussing co-workers' physical attributes, even risque jokes. And this prohibition is gender-neutral--the same things are no-nos for women, too.
Miss Manners allows some slack to ``gentlemen of the old school'' who have failed to grasp that there's a difference between social and workplace etiquette. Still, the key is ``treating professional colleagues in a dignified and professional manner.'' For men to offer compliments on the attire of their wives and daughters is certainly polite--but it's out of place for a male boss to offer such compliments to a female subordinate.
How can that be? ``No employee should be subject to personal appraisal from a boss, even if that appraisal is favorable,'' Miss Manners patiently explains. Proper compliments relate to job performance, and those are best communicated through a pay increase or a positive memo. See how simple it is?
Of course, some readers who applaud Miss Manners' commonsense approach to avoiding sexual harassment may feel she goes too far when she advocates dumping casual-dress day and banning office baby showers--all in the name of restoring professionalism to the workplace. But it's hard to disagree with her that in the last resort, when etiquette fails to hold sway at work, the law must intervene. Just ask the women at Mitsubishi.
By Susan Chandler